Organised Chaos - Sherlock x Reader

LXXIII • 73

You should've known. You should've known he'd know.

You tried to pull your arm away, breaking eye contact.
His grip on your wrist was gentle but firm.
"Sherlock, please, don't do this."
"(F/N), I care for you, I just want to help you." He took your chin in his other hand, gently redirecting your eyes to his own.
I tear ran down your cheek and he stopped it's journey halfway with his finger.
"(N/N), you don't need to be ashamed, you just need help." His hand hovered by the sleeve of your shirt, seeking permission. You released the tension in your arm, allowing him to push it up.
He didn't display any sort of a disappointed or angry reaction to the numerous parallel scars on your wrist, but rather ran his thumb along the length of one of them.
"(F/N), come over here." He sat up and invited you to lean against him.
You complied and he looked down at you with a loving, caring expression on his face.
"(N/N), I-i don't even know where to start. I'm so sorry for all the pain and depression I've caused you. I'm sorry for having to do what I did, for having to be gone so long. And I want you to know that I don't love you any less because of this. In fact, I love you a whole lot more." His face was creased with concern and distress.
"I-i'm sorry, Sherlock. I shouldn't have done it, it was just... it was just so hard. It's an... an addiction." Tears began falling from your eyes again.
"Don't cry, love." He wiped your eyes with his thumb.  "I can't stand to see you upset." He rubbed his other thumb in a circular pattern over your scars.
His eyes were filled with so much love and yet pain and sorrow at the same time.
"I kept telling you to stop hurting yourself with your addictions, but I couldn't help myself.. I couldn't help it." Your tears continued falling, despite Sherlock wiping them away intermittently, and you eventually buried your face in his shoulder, hiding your shame.
He lifted you onto his lap, cradling you with one arm behind your shoulders and the other over your knees. This position robbed you of his shoulder to cry on and you had to meet his eyes.
You tried to, but yours fell, your shame still evident.
His fingers found your chin again and he gently forced you to look at him. He shifted you closer and his lips met yours.
You didn't feel worthy of his love, but you melted into him. He broke away for only a second, then returned to you. When he finally spoke, he told you everything.
"(F/N), you're beautiful and I love you with every fibre of my being. You have to know that, (N/N). It broke my heart to leave, God, I wanted to tell you so bad, but I couldn't, I couldn't without risking your life. He told me on the roof that he wouldn't kill me but if I didn't do it, he'd kill all of you, everyone I loved. He was a monster, (F/N), he would've done it." He paused and a tear ran down his cheek. "He would've killed you, (F/N). I couldn't let him do that, so I contrived a plan on the fly and I had to go with it. I didn't know if it would work, I still could have died. That's why it was so hard, but (F/N), you are so much more important. It worked perfectly, but I still had to be 'dead'. I couldn't come see you, I couldn't even tell you. It hurt me so bad and I swear the only thing that kept me going was seeing you again. I never expected you to even want to see me after what I'd done, but I just wanted you to be safe. That's why I told John. It was a calculated risk, but it was less of an issue when it wasn't directly after the fact. I still couldn't tell you because I knew it was possible that Jim was still out there. Whether he was alive or dead I didn't know, but I knew he could come back even after death through his connections and his criminal web. I couldn't let him hurt you anymore. It had been a year and a half running around Europe as a fugitive- everyone wanted to kill me, but I had to see you again, so I kept running. I was so close to done, I just had to finish up in Berlin and I could come home. Then I heard about what Sebastian had done and my heart broke all over again. I blamed myself because I'd known about him, but he'd been in prison when I'd left and I underestimated him. I thought it would be safe." Several more tears fell from his eyes, but he kept talking. "I swore revenge. I came back as soon as I'd finished and I went to see you. It only fueled my anger, seeing you there. I was probably not as tactful as I could've been, and I have the scar to show for it. I dug up everything I could find on that scum and I used it against him. It worked, but it almost cost me my life. I came so close, but I still needed to see you awake and well. I was still a mess after coming back from Germany- John said I was skeletal. I didn't want you to see me like that, and honestly, I was scared you'd hate me. So I kept putting it off. I was living underground for nearly a week, building up my strength and health, but mostly my courage. When I finally did it yesterday, I was still terrified, and I was shocked at how well you took it. I probably wouldn't even believe it was reality, but I'm holding you, so it has to be." He smiled gently and gave you another kiss. "The point I'm trying to make is that I went through way too much to see you again. I will always love you, and this," he indicted your scarred arm, "isn't going to change a thing."
He pressed a kiss to your forehead and wiped away your tears. After watching you for a long moment, he pushed your sleeve back down and shifted so you could once again lay your head in the crook of his neck. You were exhausted from the crying, stress and shame, and you fell asleep almost immediately, your cheek against the rhythmic pulse in his neck.

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A/N: I really hope this is a good thing rather than a trigger. Please express your thoughts in the comments so I know for sure.
Also, what do YOU think should happen next?