Gravity

Chapter 49: Okay

Chapter 49

Okay

The 72 hours passed slow and tedious. Brian refused to let anyone visit me and I didn't mind. I needed to be alone and besides I couldn't take their pity stares they gave me. I wanted to apologize to Joey, but I knew if I did I'd only fall deeper into his trap just like I did with Azazel. But, it still hurt me to think about him and then to never get to see him.

"You get released today," Brian said giving me a smile. I swallowed, I didn't know if I was ready to face the world yet.

"Can I go back to your apartment?" I asked and Brian gave me a small smile before texting someone on his phone.

"Yeah, I just am letting the guys know so they aren't in your way," he informed me and I slightly frowned knowing that meant I wouldn't be seeing Joey.

I watched Brian gather what little things I had. I bit my lip trying to stop the grin that wanted to overcome my face at the thought that I could leave this God awful hospital.

"Brian," I said my voice soft, "Thank you." He looked at me and smiled, but it wouldn't meet his eyes. I knew that he was still heart broken that I could do this to myself and in all honesty I was heart broken at myself too.

"You're welcome," he said and then the nurse came in to double check my vitals. She nodded pleased when she saw they were all good. But, of course I was healthy. It wasn't that, that was broken it was my mental state.

My two arms were still sore and there was a definite mark where a scar was going to be forever engraved that would never fade. I was slightly ashamed of myself. Everyone I met would want to know the story and then they would judge me. But, it would be a lie to say that no one ever had a suicidal thought in their life. I just acted on mine after they piled up so tall that I couldn't take it anymore.

I wondered to myself as Brian helped me out the hospital and to a taxi, if he would ever be able to see me like he used to and not as this poor broken girl. I doubted it. I had a new light around me and he would forever be paranoid about it going out.

"Are you okay?" Brian asked me in the backseat of the taxi. I knew that would just be the first of the many 'are you okay's'.

I nodded, "Yeah." It felt natural by now, saying I was okay when I wasn't okay. But, I didn't know what okay felt like anymore. I was okay, because I was alive. And I was okay, because right now I was sitting next to my brother. But, he didn't seem to approve of the answer.

"I know you aren't and I won't force you to tell me everything right now, but I need you to talk to me Ems. I need to understand," his voice cracked and I was shocked by how guilty I felt. He must be so confused. I put myself in his shoes, if he had tried to kill himself I would have been so lost and unable to comprehend, because he was my brother and I thought he was happy 24/7. I gave him a nod and decided that I'd tell him everything. I'd explain to him about Azazel and how I had a crush on Darren and how we got drunk and kissed then later we had sex, but I was too drunk to know and how Joey comforted me and was there for me and then how it felt like all the trust was broken and everything good was gone when Darren told me we had sex. I had planned to tell him all this and anything else he wanted to know, but when we got back to his apartment, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to drop my walls, not even in front of my own brother.

He was kind and didn't push me explaining it at first, but I knew that he'd want to understand eventually and it terrified me.

"It's the last week of school for you," Brian said to me trying to make small talk and trying to preoccupy our brains from thinking about how we spent the last few days.