lets start off quite frank//honest. i just saw ( )'s musical. i cried a lot because right away i felt a wave wash over me that just echoed all through me. it told me i still love him. i definitely still love him and im sick of it. maybe its the way he looks under neon lights because these epiphanies always seem to occur in such beautiful, surreal, ephemeral moments. thats when i love him most. i think its because its the only place i can. where its spilling over the brim and glowing and temporary. i would like to love him other ways but for now this is where i love him best. where im allowed to. where no one can stop me. (no one can stop love anywhere. can they?) i dont know where im going with this. i only love him sometimes. i dont feel it when nothing around to make me think of him, but when he crosses my mind, man. fuck. he doesnt just tip-toe around all peaceful and quick. he enthrals my brain for as long as i let him. its always too long. somedays it feels like a switch i guess. i think i convince myself that my love goes on and off, but it doesnt work like that. i think hes always lingering and the switch is more so manual and when i turn it off subconsciously nothing really sets it off. its more like my brain yelling REPRESS! REPRESS! REPRESS! like a smoke alarm. over and over and over. but eventually you get used to it. except when i turn it on again its jealous and selfish and impulsive and passionate and confusing and unapologetic and messy and crushing and hard and real and terrifying. always terrifying. tonight its on and ill let him climb along my brain for a bit too long and then ill force myself to turn it off again. ill artificially fall out of love. then ill see him again and suddenly something changes. ill become all open and vulnerable and afraid and different and made new and as always ill tell him and we will become engulfed by questions until we get to love each other the way we want (if we ever get the chance to).
i know this is confusing. thats what makes it complicated. its just how it is for now. whats a girl to do?
