i used to believe that those "i think im in love with you" moments weren't real. but i started thinking about it again.
thinking about all the times a past love showed me his poetry and told me what made his soul ache and allowed me to ache with him, at least for a while. all the instances where his hair would grow a bit too long and his clothes would fit him a little loose and he would get worried but to me he was still my love. the times where he would force me to figure out how i was feeling. the times his tired voice would be the only sound filling my room. the times he made me feel like anything i did was worthwhile. the times when he was the only thing that could cure me. in these moments, i thought i was in love with him and i was, but not as long as i thought i would be.
thinking about when i first met that quiet "alternative" guy at that birthday party, the way he looked in that sweater as light from the fire hit his face. the way his laugh echoed and how i felt connected with him right when i sat down beside him for the first time, like some sort of invisible tie between us that was created as soon as we locked eyes. all the times he told me he wished i was at the parties, so we could sit in corners and listen to music at them anyways. when he told me he'll make sure i know im real when i get a little too high. how hes just like me, questioning everything, prone to fleeting love, letting all the risky thoughts out because he cant keep them in and trying to forget about it in the morning even when he knows that things have changed. in these moments, i knew i was in love with him. sometimes i wonder if i still am.
thinking about when he first arrived in my city, telling me his past adventures. the way he looked at everyone with love in his eyes. the way everything he wrote sounded like art from a renaissance master. how he helped me figure out what love was real and which wasn't. the one with him was not. there were moments where i thought i was in love with him, but it was in no way as deep as that.
thinking about the boy i met at a prom. the brief encounter that meant nothing, but weeks later he re-emerged. the way he talked about life like he understood it, but also letting me know he didn't. how everything he said i agreed with. the late nights, talking about things we shouldn't have been but we couldn't help ourselves. his laugh. his smile. the way he looks when he's focused. how our story lost time to me, instead it's a mirage, all mashed into one beautiful picture i can never unsee. all the questions we conquered together, some still unanswered. the innocence of it all, like when we first met, or those times on the bus where i would rest my head on his shoulder and everyone asked if we were together or our first kiss and all those nights up on the phone with a boy i considered my best friend. we were short lived, but our history is long and still lives on today. i had moments where i knew i was in love with him all the time. when i reminisce on these moments i feel as though i still am in love with him. im not sure if ill ever know the answers.
and then there's you. i have these moments every day when i look into your eyes. when im in your arms. when we kiss. everyday i am falling in love with you. again and again and again.
