Wow!!
The last month in a half has been the hardest time i have had in a while. In all honesty i am surprised i was strong enough to make it threw it. Around the end of march i got hit with a horrible wave of depression, self hate, and pain. I have spent the last month and a half trying to fight it. Struggling to survive when at points i didn't see a reason to keep fighting. I came so close to giving up and letting my demons take over when i hit my lowest point. I spent multiple nights crying my eyes out, wishing for the pain to just end. It seemed like no one cared, I felt like i was drowning and every one just watched me struggle. I ended up doing something i regret to try to end the pain. Nightly i torn my self apart trying to get rid of the pain. No matter how hard i have tried to soften the pain it is still there and it hurts so much. But i will be okay, I will always be okay because i have to be. I have to be okay for my little man, and my friends. The truth is I am very rarely okay, most times the only way I can stop myself from crying is to fake a smile. I fake a smile so no one knows the real pain i feel daily, so no one knows how broken i really am. I hide how broken, how exhausted, how dead i feel. I may act strong and brave but i am far from that. I am a weak scared little girl, I am scared to continue to try and fight my demons because i am afraid ill break so much i wont be able to put the pieces back together again. I am scared to get to close to people in fear that the will leave me like every one else has when i hit a low point. I am scared to trust people because more than half of the people i have trusted have betrayed me in one or more ways. I am still in alot of pain but, I am doing better than i was a week ago. I still struggle to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning, find reasons to not give up, I still cry myself to sleep, and get the need to find a pain reliver but, its gotten a little easier to find reasons and to resist the need.
