This One's For You (An Austin Carlile Love Story)

Revealing Secrets: Chapter 33

Bella’s Pov:

I had been lying in this bunk almost all day, allowing myself to sink into the silence and engulfed by the darkness. It’s hard for me to shut out my thoughts, no matter where I am, no matter who I’m with, it’s always there, haunting me, torturing me, punishing me; it’s endless.

I heard quiet footsteps approaching my bunk; I was originally the only person on this bus, but I guess that changed. “Bella?” It was Austin; I didn’t have to roll over to check, I knew his voice from anywhere. “Baby,” He opened the bunk curtain, transferring the light from outside to the inside of the bunk.  “You’re still in here? I thought you would of gotten up by now. Will you please just come outside? You haven’t been to a show all week.” He whined in attempt to convince me. I didn’t budge from my spot, not bothering to roll over to make eye contact with him; instead I continued to stare at the Velcro wall.

Depression had sunk back in; I was miserable, I was a mess, everyone knew it, but still no one knew why. I was guarding my secret with my life. I tossed out lie after lie – I had a headache, my stomach hurt, it was that time of the month; anything and everything I could think of to cover up the truth, to cover up what had really caused me to act this way.

“No, I’m going to stay here. I’m sorry, I’m just – I just want to be alone for a while.” I mumbled in response, still facing my direction at the wall.

He sighed. “Bel, what’s going on? You’re not you.” This time I rolled over and made eye contact with sad eyes. I knew it was killing him to see me this way. He knew I was hiding something but I kept it hidden deep inside, allowing it to rip me apart, but it was better than anyone knowing.

“Austin, I’m fine, I just want to stay here and take a nap or something.”

“That’s all you’ve been doing, sleeping or sitting on the lounge. You’re worrying me, baby.” I felt bad, I really did, but he couldn’t know. I sat up, and flashed him the best fake smile I could.

Cupping his face with my hand, he relaxed a little. “I’ll be okay. Stop worrying, I’m just still not feeling very good. But go do your show, sing your heart out; I’ll be here, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to take a shower and maybe watch some TV or something. I’ll be here when it’s all over. “I’ll go to your next show, I promise.” I was trying my best to sound reassuring. I had gotten good at lying, at pretending like all was fine and swell. It was starting to come naturally, the ability to make something up on the spot.

He leaned in closer, half his body entering the bunk and grabbed my face in his hands. “You said that yesterday, you know?” He tried to look me in the eyes, but I wouldn’t let him, I couldn’t let him see how truly broken I was.

“I know, I’m sorry. Just – just go to your show, okay?” I was pleading at him. He let out a deep sigh and leaned in, kissing my forehead so gently with his soft lips lingering there.

“I love you.” He whispered and I nodded my head.

“I know. I love you too.” He leaned out and stood up, giving me one more longing glance before walking out of the bunk area and off the bus, the door closing behind him.

Deciding that shower sounded like a good idea. I gently jumped out of the bunk, landing on the floor with a quiet thud. I slowly stripped off my clothes, trying my hardest not to put any pressure on any of my bruises. When I was entirely naked, I went to grab my towel from the bunk, until I felt a familiar sensation growing inside of me. Before I knew what was happening, the tears began to fall, harder than ever before. All the built up emotion, the sadness, the anguish, the fear…it had reached its boiling point, it finally needed an escape.