i always wanted to be the girl boys wrote about,
the girl with perfectly curled hair and crystal blue eyes.
the girl who was small,
the girl who he wants his mother to meet,
the girl who could sit and smile and nod;
but i couldn't.
i still can't.
i am:
the girl who is too much for him,
the girl who is too loud,
too big,
too opinionated,
too many words at once.
i tried to change.
i tried to be less.
i tried to be nothing.
but now i am lost in this in-between:
who am i?
so when he put his body against mine,
when my first thought was no.
i couldn't find the air to say it,
couldn't find the sound.
because my second thought was,
"what if he's the only one who will ever want me?"
j.s.
