maybe it's the way
my collar bones protrude through my sweater
or the ability to count each rib bone
one by one
feeling the space in between
that reminds me i'm human
when i feel i am nothing
maybe it's because
my failure as a student
as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend
makes me desire to be good at something
to succeed
to do well
for once
to make someone proud
if i can not be the smartest i will be the skinniest
maybe it's the thoughts
remind me i'm not worth it
tell me i don't deserve
an apple or pizza
an ice cream cone or plate of broccoli
because i do not deserve to be full
i do not deserve nutrients
i do not deserve goodness
maybe it's how
my heart flutters and head spins
the feeling of being outside of my body
the feeling of being empty
the feeling that everything is going
and nothing is left in me
and all the bad things are gone with the wind
or maybe it's simple
maybe i just don't want to gain weight
maybe i just hate myself that much
or maybe, i'll never know.
j.s.
