The Haunted Memories (Forgotten Series, #4)

Chapter 25

A week later

I stared at the wall, hating the emptiness I felt in my body. It was a sharp hollowness that echoed through my soul. People always said you never knew what you had until it was gone and I hated how true that was. I felt stuck, unable to push forward. I was terrified because the anger was rolled into grief and it felt like it was consuming me.

The only time, the only time, that feeling lessened was when I touched Madeline, when I held her close. It soothed a bit of that unbearable feeling, held back the tides of grief for a brief moment. The anger still simmered, still waited in the shadows but the loss I felt was far more consuming than the anger had ever been. I had lost Cai, lost the vampires, lost my home. How could I withstand all of that again?

My eyes burned and I wiped at my sticky cheeks. I hated that I was pathetic enough to cry but whenever Maddy went with Arlo I couldn't help it. When she was gone it was like it all crashed over me, she was my only barrier left to the grief. I hated that I relied on her for that, she was too young to have that burden and I tried so hard to keep her from being aware of it.

My head throbbed and I slowly lowered it into my hands. The migraines were getting worse, there was barely a time where my head didn't ache and the migraines didn't wipe out all of my energy. They felt like they stacked up on me, one migraine after another, giving me no respite. I barely slept and when I did the memories shoved through so forcefully it always woke me up with a migraine that threatened to tear my skull apart.

I bared my teeth as my head throbbed again, tears burned my eyes and I fought the urge to sob. Crying just made the migraines worse but I couldn't stop it. The sobs always rattled my head so hard that it felt like my brain was begin squeezed and shook violently. I drew my knees to my chest and sniffled as I buried my face into my arms. Why was my life spiralling out of control like it was? I could feel that control slipping through my fingers as I frantically grasped for a semblance of something I could hold onto.

"There you are, Alpha." The rumbling voice had me burying my face harder into my arms. Shame rose up into me at the title Ollie used. I wasn't able to act like an Alpha, my strength was slowly waning as my wolf and I grew more and more drawn and exhausted due to the unknown source of everything we were suffering. How could I be the Alpha the pack needed when I could barely walk to my office at times? "I was wondering where I could find you." He slowly sat down beside me and I had an unbearable urge to escape, to find a corner to drag myself into and curl up away from the world.

I shifted to do just that when a gentle hand grasped my shoulder, stilling the action. "Its okay, you know." He settled further beside me and I titled away from him, holding my breath, willing the tears to go away. "Emotions should never be bottled up, they are there to be expressed, Alpha." He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze and I once again buried my face into my knees. "I know its not my place to ask but have you truly grieved for what you lost?"

The question was so simple but I couldn't find the right answer. Had I grieved for what I lost? I remember feeling numb after my territory was destroyed, numb at the loss of my family, the loss of my life. I remember feeling the utter devastation of losing Maggie, the soul tearing pain it left within me. I remembered all that but I didn't know if I had grieved for her in a way that I should have. I had shoved everything to anger, pushed forward with vengeance.

I slowly shook my head and lifted my face, wiping at my cheeks with my arm. "It was easier to push forward." The words burned like acid but they were true. How could I grieve when I had no grave to cry over, no place to say my goodbyes? It was easier to search for vengeance, to promise that I would say goodbye when I did what had to be done.