Hamilsquad (a One-Shot book)

Home Alone (Marquis de Lafayette x Reader)

[Modern! AU]
WARNING: suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies, overall negative vibes and actions, basically extreme trigger warning
Word Count: 913

   Click.

   You slid downward until you were sitting on the tiled floor with your back pressing against the door. Head in hands, you tried to calm your restless mind. It screamed at you, your head throbbing.

   Worthless.

   Trash.

   Failure.

   Disappointment.

   Just do it.

   You don't deserve to live.

   Don't you see?

   It's survival of the fittest.

   So...

   JUST DIE ALREADY.

   You let out a weak sob, reaching for the drawer that held your razors. You yanked it open, tears starting to cloud your vision as you blindly stuck your hand in and pulled out the blades. Cuts that felt like needles sliced your hand as you grabbed them, throwing them at the wall. A few actually made a mark and stuck, while others clattered to the ground with a metallic clang, only leaving a small dent in the cream-colored walls.

You kicked the drawer closed, the action making a loud SLAM! that echoed through the house. You wiped your eyes desperately, trying to get rid of the tears so you could see clearly. Wait. Why should I care if I hit a main vein? I'm going to die anyway.

   Grabbing a razor off of the floor, you made a line going across the middle of your forearm. You made more and more until you were blindly slashing at your arm, hoping your weapon would meet it's target. Frustrated and unsatisfied, you hurled the blade across the small space, the metallic blade landing in the bathtub. You picked up another blade and repeated the process until you were all out of the sharp objects. By then, blood was spilling all over and your arm was a mutilated mess.

   "Y/N?" a voice called out. "I came to check on you. You haven't talked to moi or the squad in days. We're all worried."

   Lafayette, you thought. You sniffed and tensed up. They sounded far away, perhaps in the kitchen. You went silent, trembling and praying he wouldn't find you long enough so you could bleed out.

   "I-I brought John with me, mon amour," Lafeytte continued. "Please. We know you are here, somewhere..."

Another weak sob escaped your lips before you could stop it. Footsteps from down the hall followed, and soon there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Y/N?" John's voice came from the other side. "Are you in there?"

"I know you do not keep the bathroom door closed unless you are in there, cherie."

Of course he would know that. "G-Go away," you mumbled, staring at your arm all the while.

"Oh my god, is that blood?" John exclaimed upon seeing a few drops of blood leak under the door.

"Y/N, open up!" Lafayette yelled.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"Oh god," John breathed. "Y/N... why?"

"I-I said g-go away!" you said, a bit louder and firmer this time. Scared, you scooted over to the bath tub. You had a feeling that one of them would try to kick down the door so they could get in.

   As you predicted, seconds later, John had kicked down the door and you were in Lafayette's arms. John stared at the forming pool of blood, horrified. Lafayette was frantically looking for any other wounds.

"John, go find a towel! Quick!" Lafayette practically yelled at John. On command, John scurried out of the room.

   The Frenchman returned his attention to you, his eyes full of worry. "Mon amour, please, tell moi why you would do this."

   "I-I-" you choked on your words. A new wave of tears came crashing down as John came back into the room and kneeled beside you, pulling your arm towards him gently and applying pressure to the wounds with the towel.

   "Y/N, stay calm. Deep breaths," John said as calmly as he could. You could tell he was far from it, though. His voice shook. His hands were shaky and his knuckles were turning white. "You're gonna be okay."

    "Call an ambulance. We can tell the guys on the way," Lafayette said John, taking his position. John nodded and pulled his phone out of his pocket, stepping out of the small space and walking down the hall into the living room.

   You saw black dots swim in your line of sight. Sleep was very tempting, and you so desperately wanted to close your eyes and fall into a permanent sleep. Your eyes drooped and your vision became blurry.

   "No, Y/N," Lafayette said sharply, looking at you. "Keep your eyes open. Don't fall asleep on me- us."

"B-But Laf..." you murmured, trying to fight it for him. "I-It's what I want. What I need."

"No, Y/N, please," he pleaded, his voice cracking at the end. "JOHN, HURRY! WE'RE LOSING THEM!"

Black rimmed your vision. The darkness, slowly but surely, crept in from all sides until all you could see was a slight amount of the real world in the middle. Even then it was blurry and disoriented.

"Oh mon dieu," Lafayette breathed.

"The paramedics are on their way!" John yelled from the other room.

"Y/N, please mon amour, stay with me. Look at me. Focus on my voice. Do something!" he cried.

   A ringing started in your ears. You could barely hear him. You were vaguely aware of being lifted up into someone's arms and the feeling of air rushing by, but sound soon became muffled and all that was seen was black.

   And then there was nothing.

   Please, remember you are not alone. Pain ends. It may seem like a long time, but it will get better, I promise.

   Stay strong and keep fighting, mes amies. I love you all. 💕