My Real Journal

April 12, 2012

Dear Journal,

It's 11:34 at night and I seem to be unable to fall asleep. My mind is pondering thoughts that have occurred in my head for the past months.

Their is only a few people in this world i'd die for and love. Those people are my parents and my one brother. I'm having a hard time dealing with my brother at this moment. His wedding is 9 days from today.I will not be partaking in the wedding.

It hurts to say that because he is my only brother i love. The others wouldn't even show up to my funeral if i would die. One of my brothers i haven't seen since i was 5 and at that age was the first time i met him anyway. He doesn't call but maybe it's a blessing. The other two don't call me. They just started contacting me on my birthday this year though.

They don't know me but in a way i don't know them. I'm shelter from them from the choices they made.

My one brother that i love has always been there and has helped me with growing up. I would love to be part of the wedding to say i was with him on his most important day but i suppose thats not going to happen. His fiance is like a sister to me and plus my family has been than her own. Her own mother told her that she might show up to the wedding but odds are shes not.

I just wish they would know how much it would mean to be a part of it to me. I don't even feel right going since my dad told my brother how i felt. they are having a rehearsal for the wedding. Isn't that only for peple in the wedding? i shouldn't be there. I'm just so confused. I don't want them to fell bad for me. I don't want anyone's pity but it hurt me not even to be part of it.

I thought i meant more to them than that. guess i was wrong...

                                                                                     Love,

                                                                                       Katherine