My Real Journal

June 1, 2017

Dear journal,
It has been 5 years. 5 long years since I've last opened my journal. I'm now 20 years old. I can't tell you how much has happened. I've changed so much and learned so much. I can honestly say I'm a complexly different person. Life hasn't condensed it self and become simpler but rather it's more perplex. I know you're probably wondering what I'm going on about. Well it's about me and who I am. Or who I thought I was. It happened around graduation. I found out about a dark family secret. One that has shaped the events of our lives and one that has changed the people in it. However I never knew and for some odd reason I seem to be the only person it has not effected. You see I have four brothers. All older than me and all scattered through out the country. Living their own and different lives. They all made a promise to keep this from me and vowed to never speak of it. One broke that promise and that's how I found out. I turned 18 and seemingly at that time is when life took off the mask of innocence to allow me to see. Though two years have passed since I found out I wish for that mask to be put back on. I wish profusely that I could release this mountain of a secret. To not have to continue climbing. To release myself of the restraints  holding my body to the mountain. To stop trekking so my body can rest and feel the weight of my gear off my strained back, but I can't do that. Telling anyone would be a mistake. It would cause an avalanche. I can't have that. I have so much I want to accomplish in my life. I can't have an avalanche destroying everything. Smashing all my success and removing the ground from under me. I don't know if my response to this secret signifies how strong I am or how cold and indifferent I am. I'm having trouble finding out. To be honest I think that if anyone was going through what I was going through, that it would destroy their life. Disable them in a way.
I know it probably hard to read this and understand since I haven't told you the secret. Well I can't. For now anyways, maybe I will in the future. Talking about it makes it real, and I'm still not ready for it to be real yet. Plus I'm a proud person, probably to a fault. I just don't want this to define who I am. I want my actions and successes to define me. Nothing less.
Well until next time, hopefully another 5 years doesn't pass me by before I pick up this journal.
Katherine