First and Last 『Justin Bieber』

Chapter Sixteen

      I opened my eyes, and that same pinkish ceiling greeted my morning again, or is it the afternoon, the evening? I don't know even know anymore. I had another sickeningly, sweet dream again. I wonder why am I having those stupid dreams again. They're more of a like a nightmare, a nightmare I can't escape until the day I finally close my forever. You know like everyone does. 

      I pushed myself up from my bed, and I can feel the lightness of my body. I can feel my skin stick to my bones, like wet paper wrapped around a rock. Move it too much, and the paper will tear. I feel like crying, but I have done that so much, I can only stare. It's dark in my room, but I really like it that way. I can see clearly in the dark now. My curtains are dark-colored, thick and heavy, but I can still tell if it's morning, noon, or the evening. 

      Up until now, I don't really know, why this...phenomenon happen to me. I thought this kind of story only happen in movies and in books. I never really thought it would happen. To me of all people. Why? I keep asking myself that question that I must've lost lots of brain cells. I'm impatient, but I've always waited, always. Then again, I don't like lying, yet I slipped some White all the way to Black lies, too. I'm strong, but at the same time, I'm really not. Anyone can be strong when around others, and then vulnerable, so damn vulnerable, when alone. 

      A box looks strong, but if you didn't see the sign for fragile, then for sure, something inside will break, and shatter. A person is stupid for not looking carefully for that sign, it almost seems like they're excited for what's inside. I mean everyone does. Quickly or slowly when opening it, it doesn't matter. What's important is that they get to finally see what's inside. Like, the long wait is over, and then would be so completely disappointed when they see that it's broken, then after that, they'll blame someone or themselves for shattering it and then eventually move on.

      Sometimes, I wish I was a thing, an object, so I wouldn't feel any pain. It's sad. I'm sad. I've been for awhile now. I started a humming a song, it sounded like a broken vinyl. So, I stopped. I walked over to my study desk and sat. I grabbed my pen and notebook, then went into a writing position.

      "Dear Diary, 

            I'm sad again today."

      I laughed and slammed it shut. I was a bit startled when I heard my phone ring. I forgot that I have a phone. I always keep it in silent, well whatever. It's not like, I'm gonna answer it anyway. I sometimes just look at it vibrate and light the room. Because the amount of calls I've been getting is enough to keep entertained. Don't blame me, I'm sad. I grabbed it to see who's calling, although I already know who. 

      Sometimes to make myself drown in sadness even more, I listen to their voicemails, specially his'. Want to listen to one? Here it goes. Oh, perfect timing on time. He's calling. Sometimes, I mess myself even more by answering it and then hanging up. I'm messed up, I know.

      "Siane! My love. Siane, please, please, please listen to me. Don't hang up. I'm dying to see you. I want to see you, I need to see you. Don't hang up. I know, I know I'm wrong. I regret it, please. Do-" 

      That's enough. I don't know what to do anymore, at this point. I rarely go out and I don't have the looks to go out anyway. But I do go out to buy food. I do eat, I'm not that sick. I, at the very least, want to do everything to prolong my sickly life. Yes, I know. I'm lacking people who loves me. But I can't help it, they turned their back on me and now that they know I'm ill. Everything just came back to normal. Ridiculous, if they hadn't known, they wouldn't be worried, they wouldn't say they are so sorry, they wouldn't leave me. 

      Specially him, that bastard. The guy whom I have loved with all of my well being, the one I am so deeply, madly in love with. He truly is a star, a destructive one. And as I watched that star beautifully come closer to me, it never really crossed my mind that I was already dying when I first took a glance and never looked away. 

      I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, about year ago or so, but it's been with me for a long time it seems. The doctor, whenever I ask the percentage for my survival, he would look at me with those eyes and I already knew, so I didn't ask any further. I don't even know what I look like, but I do know what I will look like. I still have my hair, might be a bit thinner than the usual, but I still have it. No bald spots or anything. I'm actually just waiting and then I'd see them when I know it's happening. 

      Maybe I should start now? Even though I'm sad, I do quite enjoy reminiscing my memories in my dreams. Not of him, but of my family and friends and him. 

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Him 

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Him

Are different