Chasing Suicide (BXB)

Chapter Eleven♡

Before I knew it, the days had sped by, tomorrow was Aster's birthday.

There were a few things that I was worried about once tomorrow came, but at the same time I felt happy. Happy for Aster mostly, happy that he will have lasted a full 18 years, which many people had dubbed impossible. I knew he was stronger than everyone perceived him.

One thing I was worried about though, was wether or not he was going to stay. He didn't need me anymore, he didn't need the clinic anymore, who was to say that he wouldn't up and leave? Aster hadn't shown any incredible indication that he wanted to stay either.

Everywhere I went, these thoughts plagued my mind. Even now, as I was scrambling down the aisles of the grocery store looking for various food products and essential needs for life.

With Aster next to me of course.

"Okay, what's the next one?" I asked.

As I pushed the cart and as the wheels came in contact with the Dur-A-Flex floor, they made horrible screeching noises.

Aster looked down at the little paper that I had handed him while he casually sucked on a Dum-Dum lollipop at the same time.

He popped it out of his mouth, "Band-Aids," then back in.

"Right." I had used them all up during our little 'cutting' ordeal.

I quickly turned to the right, as that was the direction I remembered the Band-Aids being in. Once we arrived at the right aisle, I was met with a huge assortment of various ones, from brown ones, to Hello Kitty ones. I hovered my eyes at the prices,

Was is weird that the most expensive ones were always the most crappy? Yet also the most wanted, (And yes I do mean the Hello Kitty ones, and Barbie ones, and also the rainbow colored ones.). I reached out and grabbed a normal box, ready to continue on with my shopping.

As I was turning the cart Aster stopped me,

"Didn't you want Band-Aids?" he eyed me curiously.

One thing I had been noticing lately is that he was showing much more expression than before. I could actually tell he had a soul. Not to be mean or anything, but it was true. Maybe he wasn't extremely expressive, but he was more so than before. He would actually respond to me sometimes now, mostly with facial expressions but what more could I ask for?

"Yes, and I got them." I pointed inside the cart. Was this boy going insane on me?

"..Those aren't Band-Aids." Aster said with complete certainty and calmness.

I took a double-take inside the cart and on the rack of medical supplies. From what I could see, they were indeed Band-Aids. I reached forward and placed my hand over Aster's forehead.

Nope, not hot. Which means he didn't have a fever.

He ignored me, reached inside the cart and pulled out the little box as he read the front. "Band-Aid is a brand, this," he pointed to the brand of the box which simply read, 'Adhesive Strip. "Is not 'Band-Aid." he then nonchalantly threw the box back in and looked at the list, ready for the next aisle.

"Well then, Mr. Know-It-All, why don't you be in charge of the shopping from now on? Hmm?" I pursed my lips and looked at him in a playful way.

Once again, he ignored me. I was used to it by now.

As we walked down the aisles I mockingly whispered into the air, "It's not a 'Band-Aid' it's an Adhesive Strip."Just to annoy him, because I'm sure his annoyed expression would be cute. But he wasn't annoyed.

"Wait!" I pulled the cart to a stop, causing Aster's body to jolt back.

I looked to the left of me, Yep I had been in this aisle many times before, but a haunting question came to mind,

"Do guys wear condoms when they do it?"

Aster's gaze came off as taken back by this although it didn't faze his bland vocabulary at the time, "Idiot." he turned and pulled the cart from the back to our next destination.

As much as I said that as a joke, I was curious. I mean I'm not completely ignorant when it comes to 'Gay Relationships' but I didn't know everything. I hadn't really been attracted to any other man before either, so I didn't bother looking up what needed to be known if your were in said, "relationship".

Thank god for google, Aster definitely wasn't going to tell me.

~~~

Once we had finished shopping, I drove us back to my little apartment and forced Aster to watch television until I could come up with the essential preparations for his birthday ..day and present.

I wasn't completely sure on what I was going to do but I had an idea, I wanted him to be able to feel as if he was part of a family.

As I sat there, on my couch, notebook in hand, I tried to think of different things I could do for him.

I wanted him to feel warm, warm as in the feeling you get when your sitting in front of a fire on a rainy day. And not just the physical feeling but the mental as well.

I think part of me wanted him to feel like he should stay here forever...

Forever?

I pushed my hair back and sighed, what was going on with me lately?

I wasn't going to deny what I felt, because I definitely felt something. Part of me just wanted to ignore it but the other part of me wanted to capture it and treasure it because I knew this feeling might only come once.

I always told myself, if I was to fall in love, I wouldn't let it slip by.

How was this different? Because he was a man? Because he was about 2 years younger than me?

My mind was flooding with excuses, excuses that I knew could only cover up what was overflowing in my heart for a little while. Sooner or later I would have to man up and do what I was born to do.

Cheesy right? Although all my life I knew that I had to help people, and even though I have been helping through small projects and other ways, isn't it weird that the first time I get a one-on-one chance to help a person, that I've come to have feelings for him? It just made the situation a lot more complicated.

I try to tell myself that maybe if he didn't kiss me on those swings I wouldn't have fallen for him but I knew that was a lie. I would have fallen for him anyways. Everything he did interested me. Every word and expression I ate up as if I hadn't eaten in weeks. I felt that even though I was supposed to be helping him, he was helping me at the same time. I was learning more from him than I had from anyone else.

I let my head rest back and I tried not to think of anything. I just wanted a blank mind. I wonder if Aster ever liked not being able to feel? Sometimes I wondered how it might be to have no emotions, no reason to feel, and no guilt about it.

The quiet sound of the television crackles came into my room and died along with my previous thoughts.

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