Deprive

Three Letters

” I think so, but baby I was dru-“. “Save it Chres! Fucking save it! I cant believe you would actual go that far. Pshh. You were drunk. Chresanto is that your excuse for every fucking thing! Do you know how bad I am hurting even more”. I looked, his eyes read that he was truly sorry, but not sorry enough to satisfy me. I couldn’t take it his eye shooting into mines.

Giving me that look like he was sorry. Sorry doesn’t fix everything and I hate when he says it. “Get out you’re not staying in here! Out”, I yelled throwing anything in sight at him. He looked me in my eyes before leaving, slamming the doors shut. I went over and locked them. How fucking could he? I’m so sick of putting up with his shit! Does he even care?

I crawl gently into bed and hold my knees to my chest. Sobbing, I may be probably making the most ugliest faces ever! I didn’t care though, because no one was here to judge me. I cried and I cried. Wishing this was all a bad dream and Chresanto’s mother would have never died.

Why me? I’m suppose to be happy! He told me he was going to make me happy. I want the old Chresanto back so bad! Cheating on me and shooting at me? All hell! I don’t want to look at anyone or hear anyone. I looked up at the ceiling and placed my palms against each other.

I prayed, “Oh God, please I really hope you’re listening. I know and I apologize that I only come to you when I need help. I pray to you now because I need your help and your guidance. I’m lost and oh gosh…..Chres what has gotten into him? I’m really scared for him. He’s been talking to himself at night and scaring me. He shot at me twice last night.

God, he could of killed me. I know he loves me, but then I doubt it. I doubt his love. A wife isnt suppose to doubt her husband’s love for her.

A husband does not shoot at his wife, because he loves her. Suppose to be her protector and keep her safe. I fear that someday he’ll snap and I won’t be able to snap him back…and and and he will k-k-k kill me. Plus, I can’t have him doing this around our child. Please God I beg of you to help me, help us. Amen”. I put my head down and continued to sob.

Brianna cried and once Chres heard her stop praying he removed his ear from the door. Hearing everything. Well, its what Bri imagined. She wished that he was by the door listening. Just so that he would stop his actions and be a better husband and father. Just so that he would realize what he was doing was absolutely horrible. Just, so that he can know what she was feeling.

She craved for his love and affection. To crawl up into his strong arms and smell his manly yet sweet scent. She wanted to rest her head on his chest, feeling and hearing his heartbeat. Though, he didn’t deserve it.

Chresanto was in the kitchen almost going crazy. He wanted to give Bri her space. He felt so bad about everything he’s ever done, but how was he going to show it? How was he going to make up for it? Running his fingers through his curls sighing. Just then Nicki entered the kitchen.

"Morning, big head", She lightly smiled reaching up for a cup. Chres didnt respond, for seconds it was like he was death because he didnt say anything. He just stared off into space.

"Guess someone isn’t having a good morning. Me neither, I feel so sick", she laughs. "It was a struggle getting back out of bed and coming in here. I shouldn’t be leaving that window open at night because my fac-", she hears Chresanto mumble something. "What was that?"

He repeats, “I said you shouldn’t be fucking around with random ass niggas”! Nicki eyebrows scruntch up. “Excuse me?"

He says harshly, “I wouldn’t be surprised if yo ass has hiv”!

"You know what,mind your business okay. I’m not the one cheated on my wife. How do you know that bitch you was fucking ain’t got nothing", Nicki argued.

Chresanto thought, he didn’t know if Tasha had any types of diseases. Even if they did use a condom, something could have still been passed. His jaw tighten and glared at Nicki.

"Exactly! What you got to say now? Huh I cant heaaaarr you…..that’s what I thought. You lucky I wont tell Brianna", she snaps. Now with her cup filled of water she places a white pill on her tongue and gulps down the water.

"She already knows", he says flatly.

Brianna enters the kitchen and faces Nicki. “I’m going to the studio to take some more shots”, she closes her eyes and gulps from saying the word shots.

Nicki nods and places her cup down. Brianna feels Chres eyes stabbing her head. He wanted her to look at him so bad. She wouldnt and she didnt. Bri made her way out the door.

Chresanto soon went to work and Nicki stayed in bed a day with her fever while Brianna spent her day changing and taking pictures. Though, Brian noticed her attitude and seen right through her fake act of being happy. Queen of Africa was the theme and she was posing with a tamed lion. Brian was trying to get her to smile, but he wasn't feeling the vibe she was giving.

He seen her smile before, it was one of the times he made her laugh. "Come on Bri, show me them pearly whites", he shouts aiming the camera. She widens her smile, but he just couldn't see the happiness.

He sighs, "Break". Everyone begins so scatter around dismissing themeselves from the setting. Brianna drops her shoulders as someone removes the lion.

"Brianna can we have a moment please"? They both make a way to his office and he offers her a seat. Plopping down she places her elbow on the side and her head rest on her fist.

He begins, "I don't want to get into your personal business, but I can tell something's happen since yesterday. For your own benefit, I just ask of you to squash whatever's keeping you down and try really smiling for this photoshoot".

She press her lips together trying her hardest not to cry in front of him. "I'm not happy, how the hell do I smile when I'm not happy?"

" You can talk to me if you want. I live alone and have no one to gossip to. Don't worry it won't get to the hood rat with the peach curls" he jokes. A giggle slips from Brianna's lips.

"Haha see now that was a real smile", he says. Her smile fades and speaks, "Its my husband... we...I..we're not doing so well. Not well at all". Her tears build up and they began to pour. Brian quickly grabs two tissues from his desk handing them to her. "Thank you", she wipes her tears.

"Now is not really a good time to talk about this. How about we go to my place and you can talk to me"? Brianna gives him an odd look. He laughs, "Not like that! I swear to God I'm not that type of guy"!

"Okay", she bawls up the tissues. "Good, sooo get yo butt out there and pose fierce for this camera girl", he tickles her sides. Brianna laughs twitching side to side. "That's exactly how I want you to smile k". Brian leans over and kisses her forehead.

Brianna felt warm again. This feeling that she had wasn't like early this morning or last night. Even though she knew Brian for only two days if felt like a lifetime. She felt happy and uplifted.

Meanwhile, Chresanto felt bitter and sour on the inside. Like something was eating his guts up. Nicki voice kept replaying I'm his head, "How do you know that bitch you was fucking ain’t got nothing". Over and over making him frustrated and he couldn't even focus on what he was doing.

Chres slammed his fist on the table as the black lab top screen stared at him. He shook his little mouse clicking on chrome. The google home page sat in front of his eyes. He didn't hesitate to began his research.

"Where do I go to get tested for HIV"? He then clicked on nearest locations. "Out of the Closet" was the closest out of all of them. "10 to 7", he whispered to himself. Jotting down the address and number on a sticky note. He slammed his lap top shut and called the lobby downstairs. "Hey I'm leaving out early Roberto", he says.

"For what"? He sucks his teeth, "Mind yah business, I pay you so don't worry about nothing okay".

With that Chresanto fled out the building off to find out what he has been wanting to know since the question popped into his head.