this is the dirty truth.

135

My worst decision in life was letting you touch me before I could love myself. My body has curves that I have not traveled, but you've learned every route I have to offer. I have not traced my fingers over the cracks in my skin, but you have come to remember the patterns in my cellulite. I have a crooked tooth that screams for attention when I open my mouth so I don't very often, but you are constantly suggesting that I should smile more. There are days where we can make love fully naked, but there is still a blanket over my stomach and your face stays at eye-level with mine. I ask you to leave the room when I am changing my shirt and you groan, "It's not like I haven't seen it all before." And you're right, you have seen it all before- in a room with little to no lighting and I am laying on my back with my arms covering my insecurities. You don't know what it's like to have to wonder, "Is he still attracted to me? Does he notice the way my clothes leave marks on my body because of how tight the waist band hugs my stomach? Is he aroused by me or just the thought of having sex?" And it's not your fault that I feel this way, either. It's my own for depending on you to make me feel beautiful when I should've drowned myself in self love.