Me (ON HOLD)

Hurt by love

       After art I had English, and after English it was break, however, I couldn't attend break as I had more pressing matters back in Mr Mason's office. On my own this time.

       "So, how have your first two hours been here?" He asked with a smile oon his face, the smile was decieving I knew that, it was one to show he cared when really all he cared about was getting everything done with so that he could relax.

        "Great." I replied, it wasn't a lie sure it extended the truth slightly but it wasn't a lie.

      "I trust Chlo has kept you in great company?" He meant it like a remark, yet it sounded like a question. I nodded.

        "So, how does this add up to your old school?" Another question he didn't really care about.

     I wanted to mention how it wasn't as clean. "Erm, well, it's ok fine, erm, I haven't had much opportunity to really see, erm, how I feel really, errr. aha." Awkward as always, it's strange really, in my head I had this confident voice saying just what I wanted and how I felt but as soon as I released it to the world, it became awkward and my words were twisted and I couldn't grasp how or why.

        "Listen, Jason, your mother told us everything that happened at the oold place, I'm here to help so please don't hold back when you're with me. You can be truthful as to how you feel, I promise."

        You want me to be truthful? For real? The honest truth? Nothing but the truth? Well here I go. I feel like everything is wrong. We only have just enough money to supply food for two people in my house, my dad walked out on us because we were too boring, I have spent the last year enclosed within four walls infront of a screen with headphones covering my ears. I skipped meals and most of the meals I did eat went down the toilet 10 minutes later. Every night I cried, there didn't have to be a reason to set me off I just cried. I find it difficult to go into public spaces sometimes as I have this fear that everyone I see would be stood there judging me. I have to order everything and if I don't I have panic attacks and I have to start over and try again. Sometimes I imagined getting a knife and slitting my stomach in hope that the blood loss would make me look thin. How do I feel? Truthfully? Well...

        "I'm fine."

~#~#~#~#~

     I got home that night to an empty house which confused me. Where was my mother? My unemployed mother who had nothing to do all day but sit around and watch TV? I shrugged it off and went straight to my bedroom, I dropped my bag, blazer and tie on the floor and opened up my laptop. Instantly the usual webpages were opened Facebook, Tumblr and Youtube. I put my headphones in and got lost in the world of Youtube watching video after video for about an hour.

      "I'm so sorry I'm late, Jason, I was at the supermarket." My mum said as she opened my bedroom door. I removed my headphones and looked up at her.

      "It's fine mum, really." I smiled at her and went to put my headphones back on when she grabbed my arm. She grabbed my arm, my bare arm with her bare hand. My arm. "Please let go, mum, it's fine."

         "No it isn't though, is it?" She didn't let go. "You were relying on me to be at home when you got home, I'm so sorry for letting you down."

         "Mum, it's fine. Let go." I said through clenched teeth, my heart rate was getting faster and faster and I was beginning to sweat, and she still hadn't let go.

        "I promise, it won't happen again, okay?" That was it though, I had asked her to let go twice, I could feel the germs running up my arms, up my neck, into my mouth and I couldn't cope anymore.

         "JUST LET GO!" I shouted it and hit her hand that was enclosed around my arm with my free hand. She let go. 

          Instantly I felt bad, I had just hit my mother, the only person who made an honest attempt to help me and to love me. I  had hurt her, I had lashed out and hurt her. She knew though, she knew my problems with contact and so I assumed after one warning she'd let go but no, I had to tell her twice and then I couldn't bare it any longer, I could feel my heart beat just rippling the air around my chest, and I could feel the rain gently dripping onto my shoulders as if I was drying myself after a shower and I couldn't cope with her grip any longer. She stared at me and all I could see in her eyes was shock, confusion and hurt. Hurt I had caused, the hit wasn't that strong, but she didn't understand, she probably thought there was something more to me hitting her when really all it was was my OCD kicking in.

            "Er..." She had gaps between her breaths and small tears appearing in her eyes, she stared at me helplessly and looked as though she wanted to say something but just couldn't get her words out, so instead she just left. She walked out and left me sat on my bed with this cloud of overwhelming guilt forming over my head and drenching me with this feeling of remorse.

          I slammed my hand against my head, why? why? why? why? why?! I couldn't help it though, it was more or less instinct and... - that's when I noticed I had a Facebook noification, these thoughts still coliding with eachother around my head, I decided to check to see what it was. A friend request. A friend request from Chlo Healey. My eyes lit up and I accepted instantly, I looked at her picture and it felt like I known her for years. I recognised her eyes and quirky smile all shadowed by her naturally massive brown frizzy locks of hair. Her hair was tamed slightly, however, under a green beanie decorated with badges of different bands and artists. I smiled and felt like having her as a Facebook friend made me one step closer to having her as a real friend. That's when I saw it though, bright and clear and heart-wrenching 'In a relationship with Luke Hayes'. I stared wide-eyed and wide-mouthed at that one part on her wall for a good five minutes, just hoping that I'd read it wrong, and then I saw her cover photo, him giving her a piggy-back ride, both smiling, both happy. I slammed my laptop shut and hit my head again. What did I expect? As my first thoughts stated - she was beautiful. She was beautiful, sweet, kind and amazing, why wouldn't she have a boyfriend?! And even if she didn't... Why would she settle for me?

          That must have been how my mum felt, I was messed up and there was nothing I could do about it and I hurt her with it, Chlo was beautiful and taken and I happened to have a crush on her, she hurt me with it. Both were un-intentional I didn't mean to hurt my mum, Chlo didn't mean to hurt me she didn't even know she had, and I had this hurt inside of me and I'd known her 6 hours, my mum had 14 years of loving me and I had hurt her. 

           I stoop up from my bed, opened my bedroom door and made my way down into the kitchen, she was stood at the worktop, leaning over, her head placed i her hands. She didn't know what she'd done or how to fix it, all she could do was silently cry for herself. I imagined my shower running, the clean soap running down my body, removing all of the germs and the bacteria from my body. I knew in fiive minutes time that's where I'd be so I had nothing to loose, I went up behind her and hugged her.

           "I'm sorry."

            "Me too."