*Authors Entry*
I was a happy kid four years ago .. Mahilig sa thrill .. Napasok ako sa isang clan kung saan nakakita ako ng bago kong mundo .. Pinalitan ko ang pangalan at pagkatao ko.
They known me as Chin .. Isang lesbian teenager. I make them believe that that's the real me.
I made a lot of friends. Mga pang past time lang. I was just sixteen years old back then.
Then years passed.. But there's one person stay as my companion. We used to call each other 'Tol' and everytime i'm talking with him, there's always a fun. Naging magkaibigan, although on and off ang pagkakaibigan na'to .. Mas naging malalim pa yung relasyon namin.
Four long years passed. We got to the point that we have our own.life. We are now grown up.
But still .. He know me as a lesbian.
Our friendship got deeper. We got an open conversation. Talking 'bout life .. Family .. Experience.
And he always joke me .. 'tol magiging babae ka sakin ' and i just answer him laughing.
Until day come .. We realized something. Oo nga .. Iba na .. Meron ng 'tayo. The first thing I did is to ask myself .. 'ready na ba akong mag move into next level of relationship? Well .. I can see why not? He's a good catch after all .. Masaya ko kapag kausap ko sya ..
But there's one thing to settle. My gender ..
Before I open up that topic .. Unexpected things happen. He confess .. He's attracted to me.
Masaya .. Sana ..
Three more days passed. Three night we've been talking constantly. Until that Night comes.
Nag aalinlangan pa akong sabihin sa kanya .. I was on the point asking my self should i say or not?
'til i started stammering ..
Like .. "tol .. Uhm .. Diba alam mo na .. Ahm.. Teka lang .. Kasi ano .." then deep sigh.
And he's laughing weirdly .. "sige na .. Sabihin mo na tol .."
I'm nervous that time .. Then I say .. "Hindi naman talaga ako tomboy ..babae talaga ako. Sorry."
There. I say it finally. Then the phone hang. He didn't intentionally put the phone down. It's the signal.
The next call .. I tried to explain to him about what I did for our four years friendship. Then the signal got weak until i totally can't contact him.
I text him. Explaining.
And he text me ..
'masakit din pala tol, nagmukha akong tanga.'
And i knew it. I made a big mess. After a few text. He wants space. Two days. Two days without text. Two days ignoring me. Two days ko syang kinulit sa text.
Then he texted finally. 'mag uusap tayo mamaya.'
That was a morning. I waited til dark.
And when we talked .. Know what? He's drunk.
Pinipigilan nya yung sarili nyang magalit sakin, sumbatan ako sa ginawa ko. Then he made me choose .. Magkalimutan na lang kami .. Or let us be friends and forget what we feel towards each other.
Hindi ako makasagot. Mahirap. Kaya ko nga sinabi sa kanya ang totoo dahil .. I'm looking forward into the next level of relationship .. Then ganoon na lang.
Ilang beses nyang inulit sakin yung tanong nya.
'ok ba sayong maging magkaibigan na lang tayo? No commitment. No relationship. Just friendship.
I was saying to myself that time .. 'huh? Paano yung attractions namin sa isa't isa?
But then .. What about the four years friendship?
It's over Friendship or your soon to be love life.
He kept asking me.
So i say .. Yes. Magkaibigan na lang tayo.
Okay. That was a contrast on what i'm feeling. Kasi nun ko narealize. Mahal ko na pala sya.
And I was late .. Too late.
Tol ..
Alam kong malabo na mabasa mo'to. Pero sana pag nabasa mo to .. Ok na tayo at nagbalik na sa dati. Alam mo bang napakahirap ng ginawa mo sakin. pinapili mo ko .. At alam mong hindi kita basta mabibitawan. Alam kong nasaktan din kita, pero akala ko madali mo lang akong mapapatawad. Napatawad mo nga but it pays the part that I wanted to reach. Hindi mo na ko hinayaang makapunta don.
Hinarang mo na yung matagal ko ng pinag iisipan. You know what? I 'm sticking on our friendship dahil nagbabakasakali akong magbabago pa ang isip mo .. Na pwede pang maging tayo.
Alam natin pareho na hindi na ma abalik yung friendship na sinasabi mo. Wala na yun tol. Kasi iba na tayo ngayon. Pero hinahadlangan mo lang.
Now i'm still hoping that we can fix this. Na may pag asa pa tayo. I'm stil holding on our friendship because of you.
Sorry if i fool you. Naipaliwanag ko na sayo at sana .. Sana talaga. Magbalik yung dating tayo :(
I really didn't ecpected na magiging ganito tayo kaseryoso .. hindi ko alam na marerealize ko 'to. Siguro dahil masaya ako kapag kausap kita over the phone, siguro dahil magaling kang kumanta, siguro dahil nasasakyan natin ang trip ng isa't isa, siguro dahil ..
Mahal lang talaga kita..
Mahal pala kita. Yun pala yun. At pinanghahawakan ko pa din ang sinabi mong 'mahal mo din ako '
Bahala na .. kung anong mangyari :(
