#3 :: Royal By Name, Loyal By Blood Pt. 3

12.

It Was All Too Much

TAMARAH.

In all the years I have been living this lifestyle, this last year has been the hardest. I did time in prison, been away from my family, been in a burning fire which killed two of my kids and my grandbaby and at the same time another one of my sons was murdered. It was all too much. The strain on trying to keep the family together has been stretched. I was more than ready for retirement; it was time.

Then Tyrell came with the news that he didn't want to take over and he needed us to give more time; so what happened? Retirement went out the window. We are now planning to retire after Christmas. Every day I keep an eye on my kids. You see Tanayah has moved everyone, well almost everyone into the Grove, she was persistent and wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm glad she did. I was able to monitor when the cars come, when they go and how long for.

I had just started getting my life back on track to as normal as possible when Tanayah decided to pay me a visit I wasn't expecting.

"Hey mom." She said as she came in with her and the twins.

"Hey sweetie. Hello my babies. Y'all miss gran gran?"

"Miss you? I'm bouta make them live with y'all. All they say is gran gran and pop pop. Y'all spoil them way too much. Gonna have their cousins hating them." She laughed.

"I spoil all my gran babies." I said with a smile.

"Go play in the toy room whilst mommy talks to gran gran." She said as she sat down and they ran off.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Well, I have been meaning to ask you something fo' a while but it keeps slipping me. Plus it's a delicate situation but I reckon I gotta ask you now."

"Go on."

"During the fire you never went in; not once. You always tried to hold us back and tell us to wait for the fire men. I don't get it because you will take bullets for yo kids and you will send bullets out to protect yo kids but you ain't never tried to help that day."

I was dreading this day. I actually thought I got away. I thought it went unnoticed. I got up and poured myself some brandy. I poured two glasses and sat down. I drank the first glass and left the second one knowing I would need it after.

I sighed.

"I'ma tell you something many people don't know. In fact I can count on one hand how many people know you now being the fifth and that's how I want it to stay. I used to be a twin...Her name was Samarah but no one knows this because she died in a fire when we were twelve. A fire I caused. A fire she fled from but came back to save me. I never meant to set the house on fire. It was an accident. As usual, I was playing with things I shouldn't have. I never realised it even started because I had grown bored with the paper and the matches and walked away. The flames caught onto the curtains and that was what caused the fire to start. Our house had three floors so we weren't aware as most of the family was either downstairs or outside. I was on the second floor but never noticed the smoke. By the time anyone realized what was happening; upstairs was engulfed in flames and there was an explosion. I was scared, so I hid.
Even though me and my sister were twins you would have thought she was older. I could hear her calling me from outside. "Tammy! Tammy! Tammy!" I came out from where I was hiding and crawled over to the window. She was telling me to jump, but I couldn't. All I remember hearing was someone screaming "Sammy! Nooooo!" Next thing I know she had ran in to get me. She dragged me out but as we almost got outside another explosion went off causing us to fly across the corridor and knocked my sister out. Rubble then collapsed and caved in on her so I couldn't move her. She was trapped. I was trying so hard to wake her but she wouldn't budge. My Dad came in and could hear me screaming "Sammy wake up!". He grabbed me and I was fighting kicking and screaming. As he got me outside he said "Tammy, I'm going to get Sammy. Stay there." Just as he said that "BOOM" the whole house was in flames. I screamed so hard because I knew straight away my sister was dead. I felt it. I felt her soul leave me. I cried so hard. She went in to save me because I was too scared to run out. It was my fault... I killed my twin. That day, when I woke up to smoke I froze and was back to being twelve again. As soon as I got out I didn't want to see none of you go back in. That's why I couldn't go in the fire. It's a fear. I can get shot, I can get shot at, I can kill, I can fight. I can do so many things, but a burning building I can't."

I had tears in my eyes because I missed my twin so bad. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Tanayah came and sat next to me.

"I was so mad at you. I couldn't understand why you wouldn't get in there and help. But now I understand I'm not mad. I get it. You didn't mean to start the fire, you didn't know that was gon happen, you didn't know yo sister was gon come and get you and she was gon die. It was an unfortunate accident."

She hugged me and I let the tears roll.

"Mom, why don't you mention her? Or go to her grave?"

"I go to her grave. Very often. I don't mention her because it's hard for me to. I should have a sister that looks just like me and sounds like me but I don't, I grew up blaming myself so it's not something I wanted to share."

"It's not yo fault mom. It was an accident. Hopefully you will realise that..."

I smiled at my daughter. She was always understanding. I would love to feel that it wasn't my fault but that's not the case.

"...makes sense now." She continued.

"What?"

"Me having the twins. You was a twin."

"Yeah. I know. It warmed my heart knowing you were having twins." I told her.

For the rest of the day we just had some mother and daughter bonding time. It was nice because we hadn't done this in so long.

***

The next day Lisa and I went out to get some bits for our big Sunday dinner we were going to have at my house. Me, her and Coco was going to make the best soul food known to mankind; we had got most of the groceries needed and decided to go for a few cheeky drinks. I had drank a bit too much but Lisa hadn't so she said she would drive. I told her to take my bag whilst I went to the restroom. I walked into the cubicle and as I finished, I had this funny feeling. As I opened the door I was faced looking straight at the barrel of a gun. My eyes shifted from the gun to the person behind it. I instantly started to shake. With anger. I couldn't believe I gave Lisa my bag which had my gun in it.

"You gon kill me in here? You don't got a silencer so as soon as you shoot me this restroom gon be surrounded with security." I smirked.

"Oh, I'm not gon kill you." He said.

"You ain't?"

"Naw. Where's the fun in that?" He said and smiled.

This was all a game to him. I grabbed his wrist to try and get the gun from him. Knowing I couldn't get it from his grip I decided to make a run for it but he grabbed me. I struggled to break free so I dropped my wedding bangle. Luckily he didn't realise.

"See. I was gon let you walk outta here off yo own free will but seeing as you wanted to put up a fight you done lost that right."

That was the last thing I heard before my world went black.

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