another side

chapter ten

We woke up together for the first time that morning. The light was just beginning to peer in through her curtains and illuminate the curve of her tan skin. I blinked in that light, my body facing the window. It took me a few moments of staring at the pale yellow curtains to realise where I was. I then noticed the weight of Carmen's right arm over me and the pressure of my body on her left. I could feel her pressed up against my back and I snuggled closer, my heart lighter than air. When she felt me shuffle, she stirred also and moved even closer, settling her head on the top of my arm.

"Morning angel." She uttered in a sleepy, groggy tone. I had wanted to hear what she sounded like in the morning for ages. It was even sexier than I could have imagined.

"Good morning." I whispered back. It felt like a dream with the way the light lit up the room. Everything was so palely illuminated. There was also a gentle patter on the window of the rain beginning to refresh whatever grass was still alive to take it. I felt her grip on me tighten as her phone began to ring.

"He always calls me in the morning." She stated. She knew she didn't have to say who.

I felt my stomach flip. I couldn't imagine Aaron doing stereotypically "cute" boyfriend things like that, especially not with my Carmen. My Carmen. God, I loved the sound of that. I don't know how she would have felt about it, but that morning felt like immense progress. She had stayed with me. She hadn't freaked out. It was like she was finally comfortable remembering. She didn't want to love me in the dead of night then wash her hands of it at dawn. She wanted to really be with me. Or I was hoping so, at least.

The phone continued to ring. She snuggled further into my back with every buzz, as though she was trying to become me in order to escape him. It made me remember Nate. We were technically still on a break and technically had been for over a month. All of which I had spent falling further and further for someone I was supposed to hate. When we were meant to have the actual breakup conversation I had no idea. We had mostly been avoiding each other, saying virtually nothing. He and June had been spending a lot of time together. I was starting to hope that June had snared him somehow, but they had always just been friends and his name didn't even begin with J so I probably wasn't that lucky.

I didn't even know if I was technically single. Carmen had never called what she and I did 'dating'. I mean, I would have, but every time before this new dawn that I had tried she would have just freaked out. I thought that maybe in the immense comfort of this morning that I could ask, but it was such a risk to take considering that yesterday had also been one of our worst days as well as our best night.

"Carmen?" I spoke once the ringing of the phone had died.

"Mm?" she murmered into the fabric of my shirt.

"What are we?" I asked gently, praying silently to hear what I wanted to hear.

"That's awfully existential of you." She joked. She removed herself from me and I had a brief panic that this was the end of our happiness and that she was going to start getting further and further until I couldn't feel her at all. To my relief she re-positioned herself so that she was hovering over me, propped up on her elbow. Her gaze was one of contentment and possibly even love, but I still hadn't learned what that looked like.

"No," I forced a little laugh to ease the mood. "I mean, what's our relationship?"

I could no longer read her expression. I felt a pang in my chest and I began to frantically recollect my thoughts and my words.

"I mean, I don't mind. I was just like wondering cause like we have been together – or not together, I don't know – for a while now and I just wanted to know if we were anything. It's fine if we aren't, really. Just asking. Just spitballing, you know?"