another side

chapter twelve

I lingered nervously outside Nate's door, my hand hovering over the wood as I considered tapping it. I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. I was just about to hit my fist against it when it opened anyway and I saw Nate standing there in his uniform with a burgundy scarf slung around his neck.

"Sylvia?" He said. I couldn't make out his tone. It was fairly neutral, but something about his eyes told me that he was actually pleased to see me. Some of my nerves were disapated by that glimmer of hope that our friendship was not eternally lost, but the rest of the fear still rumbled in the pit of my stomach like a raging volcano.

"Hey." I replied. "Walk to school with me?"

The first leg of our journey – walking along his street and out onto the main road that split off to my house and his – was silent and awkward. We both ocassionally faked a cough or a deep breath in an attempt to kill it, but everything felt weird and tense. I didn't know where to start or what exactly I was going to say. I mentally begged him to say something. He seemed to read my mind.

"So... What was it you wanted to talk about?" he asked. He could clearly tell I didn't just want to have a friendly walk to school with my ex-boyfriend. At least I didn't have to pretend that I did.

"I... I really don't know where to start." I said, looking over to him. His eyes seemed painfully hopeful. I silently hoped that it wasn't him wishing for me to admit that I missed him and wanted to press restart. If that was the case he was probably going to get even more pissed about what I was going to tell him than I already knew he would.

"Just shoot." He said. "We have a while before we get to school."

It was raining lightly. I wanted it to get heavier. I wanted to use the rain as my cover – if I cried, I could hide it; if he got mad, his shouts would meld with the storm. Unfortunately the weatherman was optimistic about this week. He thought that winter was finally leaving it's throne. That was the last thing I really wanted and the one thing I had even less control over than I did of my own life.

"You know what I told you before," I began hesitantly, staring straight ahead of me. "about being with someone?"

I could feel him go through a thousand emotions beside me. I could imagine him wondering whether he was about to receive bad news or good news. I didn't know what he actually counted as good news. I didn't know if he actually wanted to be with me anymore, but maybe he still wanted me to want him because then he would get the sick satisfaction of telling me no. This thought process alerted me to the fact that our relationship and our break up had caused me to lose all sense of who Nate really was. I never would have imagined Nate at fourteen – sweet, forgiving, kind Nate who I was proud to call my friend – doing anything like what I was imagining this Nate doing. Maybe I was making that side of him up out of my own fear, but maybe...

"Yeah?" He eventually said. It was emotionless.

"Well... here's the thing..." I muttered. "The person I'm with... It's just that, well, you're not going to like it."

Nate stopped in his tracks and whirled around.

"Please, for the love of God, tell me you are not with Aaron." He exclaimed.

"No..." I said. "What would make you think I would do something like that?"

"Just the fact you said I wouldn't like it. And he and Carmen broke up around the time we did so... It just seemed kinda convenient." Nate explained. I tried to stop my expression from looking so much like an animal about to be wiped into oblivion by a lorry, but it was difficult to do that when I was faced with such a horrific task. What was I supposed to say? 'Oh yeah, about that. It is convenient that they broke up around then because it is actually Carmen I'm with!' I couldn't think of what to say.