another side

chapter fifteen

The next day, Levi allowed me some time to gather my thoughts together, but as soon as the early hours of the afternoon started pouring into the hour glass, he swept me out the door and I was left out in the cold, unable to force my feet to move. Eventually I began to walk toward's Carmen's house, but I felt like breaking into a sprint in the opposite direction. My stomach felt as though it was tearing itself apart and my legs were far from solid. I lingered in her garden a little too long and before I could knock the door myself, she appeared there on the porch. She looked as though she hadn't slept much more than I had, but what could have possibly kept her up I had no idea. I walked to the doorstep wordlessly.

"Oh my god." She burst out, throwing her arms around me. "You have no idea how much I've missed you. What's wrong? Why haven't you been answering? My God, you look so ill!"

She grabbed my chin and inspected my features, but I shied away from her touch.

"Come in." she muttered, dragging me inside by my hand. I gulped and fiddled with my collar. She took me to the living room. I silently thanked the stars that she had an empty house. She sat down beside me on the sofa and lifted up my legs so that they were laying on hers. She kissed me. I relished in the sweetness of it for a moment, but then reality came flooding back and I had to pull away. I looked into her eyes a little too long and couldn't help but start to cry.

"Angel, what's wrong?" she questioned, trying to lift my head up from where I was hiding it in my hands. I kept it glued there. I didn't want to feel the pain that her beauty inflicted on me.

"I have something to tell you." I said, but it was muffled by my palms.

"What?" she said. I decided I would just have to look up and deal with it, but I felt even dizzier with my head up than I did curled into a ball.

"I have to tell you something." I repeated, steadily as I could manage. "And I sh-should have told you ages ago, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't."

I broke down a little further, the sobs becoming more frequent. She petted my hair and kissed my damp cheek but it could do nothing to soothe me when I knew I could lose it all in a moment. I tried my hardest to regulate my breathing but my lungs ached and my heart ached and my head ached. Every place an organ should have been, helping my body to function, just felt like dull, blank space. I was rotting away on the inside with the worry and the guilt that I had been building up for far too long.

"Calm down, lovely." She hushed. She was trying to remain calm, I could tell, but her eyes were flashing with intense panic. "There's nothing you cannot tell me."

"This might be something." I sobbed. She shook her head.

"Tell me." She encouraged.

"Well.. You remember when we were in the school bathroom together, right?" I asked. A little smile broke onto her face and that did nothing but increase my pain. Whatever good memories she associated with that were about to be completely wiped away.

"I remember." She said.

"W-well, we weren't alone." I choked out. Her skin ran as pale as mine in an instant.

"Not alone?" She gasped, drawing away from me. "What do you mean we weren't alone?"

"K-Katherine." I coughed out. "She has... photos. She told me if I d-don't get better dirt on you that she's gonna s-show them to e-everyone."

All I wanted was for Carmen to wrap me in her arms and tell me everything was fine. I wanted her to say that together we would fix it. I wanted her to kiss me and hold me and we could come up with some sort of plan. Of course, that was not to be. Her arm withdrew from me almost instinctively.