another side

chapter seventeen

The rest of that week dripped down the drain in what felt like a petty instant. The days all melded into each other. When I walked out of the house every morning I felt like I was placing a hardhat on top of my head that shielded me from feeling anything until I arrived home safely again. I never looked in Carmen's direction. I always swore I felt her looking at me. Aaron and Katherine almost looked proud of themselves at the fact she and I were clearly keeping our distance from each other. Whatever. They could keep their little scorned lover club to themselves, I sure as hell wasn't joining it.

I didn't feel like a victim. I felt like someone who had fallen in love with someone who wasn't ready. Maybe that was my fault. Maybe not. Regardless, I felt more hard done by by nature than I did by her. It was something else getting in the way of us. Maybe if I had been a popular guy and not a girl so beneath her we would have been together right then. All I knew for sure was that we were not wrong; our circumstances were. I couldn't blame her for that. Even if every time she walked past it hurt me, she looked so damn good doing it I couldn't complain.

There was even a moment during the week where Aaron started speaking to me while Carmen was right across from us at her locker. It was like he was trying to make a point of it, hovering over me and using a dark, flirtatious tone. I ducked under his arm and ran to Levi, shooting him a disgusted look and leaving Aaron dejected in the hallway. I never faltered in my rule of never looking Carmen in the eye, but I swore from the edge of my vision I could see her watching me and I felt a little bit of hope.

I tried to fill all my time in by spending it with my friends and my sister. We went to my aunt's place rather than the milkshake place. No one knew us there and, besides, her cupcakes were a billion times better than theirs anyway.

On Sunday, I had a coffee alone with Nate. I felt more comfortable with him than I had in years. We sipped during the intervals of our conversation rather than sipping just to avoid having to speak. I laughed true, real laughs at all his jokes. I hugged him when we were leaving. My head felt so much lighter knowing I had my friend back. There were moments when I remembered everything that happened and started to see him through my old skewed perception again, but then he'd smile his sweet, stupid grin and I'd relax again knowing I finally had my friend Nate back.

On Monday I felt ready to face it all without making myself so numb. I had forced myself to feel so numb it had almost started to feel like a real feeling, so I was able to bask in that without trying to force it. I got ready in a few minutes and walked outside. It was starting to get warm out. As a winter person I couldn't identify with all the people getting so excited about our first few inches of sun, but whatever. It was still breezy – winter hadn't quite given up yet.

I got to school a little later than normal, so most people were already there. As I walked through the corridor, I noticed people kept turning and staring at me. They whispered amongst themselves, glancing at each other and then back to me. I felt my heart awaken back into its old ways and pump blood a little faster to keep up with all that was rising to my cheeks. I had no idea what was going on and I wasn't sure I wanted to know either. When I got to my locker, Levi was there waiting for me.

"Honey, I tried calling you a thousand times." He seemed extremely flustered which did nothing whatsoever to settle my own panic.

"Phone's off." I replied. I gripped intensely onto my files praying that would still my trembling fingers.

"You know the way Katherine decided not to release that picture?" he asked.

I froze. "...yes."

"I think she may have changed her mind."

Suddenly I understood. The strange silence that had fallen over the school was nothing like I had expected the reaction to be. I had thought I would have been bullied and teased but instead it was like no one really knew what to say. Despite how much I would rather have not, I knew I needed to talk to Carmen. I needed to know what she was planning on doing. And if I'm completely honest with myself, I needed to check that she was okay. I text her asking her to meet me in the bathrooms and I marched there promptly through the stares and the whispers.