another side

chapter thirteen

It wasn't hard to convince my mum I was sick the next day since I had practically slept all afternoon then woke up in the middle of the night and cried so jarringly that I threw up on the floor. I also looked more hellish than ever. Despite the fact I had done barely anything besides sleep, I somehow looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. Mum was quite worried actually. She kept asking me if I needed to go to the doctor, but I kept insisting that I just needed to rest. I slept more than I even knew I was capable of. Whenever I was awake, I struggled with a horrific dull ache in my chest that ate away at me as the minutes past. Sometimes I just stared at the ceiling and how grey it looked when the lights were all out. Other times I surpassed numbness and broke into crying which I tried to keep to a minimum until mum had went to work. As soon as she was gone I allowed myself to wail. The neighbours probably thought that there was a wounded animal in my house. The actual animal was quite content and stayed snuggled in my bed with me and would nuzzle my face when I cried. He was the only thing keeping me from totally losing it.

My phone was filled with worried texts from Levi and a few curious texts from June which were questioning what had happened with me and Nate now. I felt like my whole life was blowing up in my face. I figured June would probably start to hate me during the day as Nate unfolded the whole story in front of her eyes. The more I thought about it all the more horrible of a person I saw myself as. I had always thought of myself as being trapped with him, but in reality if I wasn't so fucking gutless I could have ended the whole thing before it got to this place. Maybe if I had of done that then I wouldn't have been lost enough to fall in love with Carmen and I wouldn't have both her life and my life hanging from Katherine's finger. I was a pathetic excuse for a person. What to do when faced with a dramatic and urgent situation? Hibernate like a god damnn squirrel.

I checked my phone upon one of my awakenings and saw that it was 5 o'clock. Mum wouldn't have been home yet, but Maya must have been in the house somewhere. I also saw that my texts now included some quite frantic ones from Carmen from around the time she would have got off the bus.

From; Carmen
I figured yesterday you just must have been having a bad day, so I let you be, but I'm really getting worried now. Came round and your sister says you're really sick??? Please call me. I love you.

I replied in as few words as possible, letting away as little as I could. I told her I was sick and that I was sorry I didn't get to see her yesterday, but that I'd be round when I was better. I didn't know if the sickness I had was one that could be cured, but I hoped so. God, I missed her. I would have given anything to have her coiled around me, kissing me softly and cuddling me as I slept, but seeing her would have meant I would have had to tell her and I still didn't know how.

After about half an hour of attempts, I couldn't quite get back to sleep. I decided to wrap myself in my duvet and, dragging it along the floor, I wandered down to the living room where my sister was munching cereal and typing on her phone.

"Hey." I muttered, slumping down on my chair and pulling my quilt around me tighter.

"You're out of your cave." She joked. She set her now empty bowl to one side and turned round to face me. "You feeling better?"

"Not really." I grumbled.

"You wanna watch a movie?" she offered.

"Sure."

Maya reeled off choices of films for us to watch, but I didn't even know what most of them were. Eventually she picked one and she put it on. I watched it numbly for the most part, but then came a part where the main boy and girl were talking about how their love was forbidden and dangerous and I felt a bitterness rise in me. Pfft. As though they knew what a forbidden, dangerous love really was. It's not like it was going to cost them their entire reputation. I felt myself beginning to cry and though I tried to hold it back it came out anyway.

"What's wrong?" Maya asked.

"It's n-nothing." I said, wiping at my tears.

"Come sit beside me." She suggested, patting the spot by her on the sofa.

"But I might make you sick." I protested.

"I know you're not really sick."

"Oh."

I dragged my duvet over and plopped down beside her. She put her arm around me. Because of her height advantage over me, it almost felt as though she was the elder sister and me the younger. Older sisters weren't supposed to be the ones crying on the younger's shoulder.

"Is this about Carmen?" she asked me.

"What?"

"You think I don't know?" she laughed.

"Well... how do you know? Mum said she would let me tell you, and I haven't told you." I questioned.

"I have heard some pretty interesting things you know." She snickered. I cringed.

"Ew." I muttered. "But... you're not supposed to have been home!"

"Sometimes I'm home when you don't think I'm home." She stated. "Sometimes my clubs finish early. Sometimes I walk home from my friends houses instead of waiting for mum. You're just way too busy to hear me open the front door-"

"Okay, okay. I get it." I grunt. I wished I could forget all of that. My little sister had heard me having sex. Jesus fucking Christ.

"Is this all about her then?" maya asked again once she had stopped laughing at me.

"I guess, in a way." I shrugged. "It's complicated."

"I won't make you tell me the whole story." She said.

"Thanks." I was glad of that much. I was sick of telling people about it all, even though the only person I had fully told was Levi.

"I do want to know something though." She said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Do you love her?"

I thought for a moment. Of course I knew I did. But saying that to my kid sister was weird somehow. I was supposed to be her idea of strength and power but she was going to see me as a weak mess who will fall at the feet of a pretty girl who bats her eyelashes. Oh well. At least it was honest.

"Unfortunately I think I do."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I guess it kinda does."