THE SASAENG

thirty five

___________jungkook pov____

I put my headphones on and ran to the beach, it's been a while since I did that, i used to love the place, but now it just makes​me overthinking, but I should train anyway, I get there. And I saw her sitting there, she looked into deep thinking, maybe she's remembering her sins, I looked at her for a while. I suddenly miss the days where we used to play around here together, but now she's just sitting far and I have no mood to stay here any longer, I can't date a criminal, even if I wanted her, and i'm missing her, I just can't go against my hyungs, she ruined their lives. I sighed then turned around to the opposite side..
I heard my name being called,and I knew it was her..I stopped without turning around..

________hyerim pov_____

I wanted to apologise to jungkook sincerely, even though I know he's hating me now, I have to, I owe him this, he doesn't know what I've been through, and I don't want him to know. I don't want to look like a pitty girl who ruined everyone's lives.
I decided to go and wait him in his favorite place, my halmeoni said he doesn't run anymore, but I had to try anyway, he's avoiding me everywhere, and in other times he's around ... his girl.
I sat on the sand facing the waves, it was so fresh yet sad, how we used to run together , laugh, play, eat breakfast with halmeoni, kiss, and hug and most of all, say how much we loved each others. But he got him a new life, I'll live soon, so I'll just apologise today, and he won't see me again soon.
I suddenly turned my head to the side to see him walking back, I guess I ruined his morning already, but I have something to say, I called his name , it was enough to be heard, I expect him to ignore, but he stopped, without​ turned to face me, I walked towards him, * I want to tell you something jungkook ssi* sounds weird right?!, But i Think I don't have the courage to call him as I used to do, he moved on and he was acting like we're totally strangers and I had to deal with it. He didn't reply, I just decided to tell him everything, even if he won't turn or reply, he can hear what I'm going to say ... fair enough..

I took a step closer, I wanted to hug him for the last time, a hug that can erase that I was hurting him more when I didn't know about what he was suffering all this time, the things I read yesterday night was still replying on my head, I won't be able to hug him again, so I want to hug him.... one last time

He was still back facing me, I wrapped my arms around him back hugged him, he didn't move, he probably doesn't feel anything towards me now, but I feel. I feel that I was to hug him forever..

""I know I‘ve said it probably a million times but I feel like I need to keep apologizing. I keep saying it in the hopes that you’ll understand all the things I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that all the memories we made are now tainted with sadness. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you the way you deserved. I’m sorry that I couldn’t really explain to you why I had to do such things, I’m sorry that I waited so long to tell you when I already knew it will end like this. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I was so coward, I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry that there’ll never be an us again.

I’m just so incredibly sorry.

You might not believe me, you probably won’t believe me, but Letting you go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It may have hurt me as much as it hurt you. I can hear someone in the audience of those who’ve had their hearts broken shout, “Bullshit!” I hear you but hear me, it’s never easy hurting someone you love and I do, I love you. You didn’t ask and I didn’t tell you but here’s the truth: I love you.

Loving someone isn’t something that just stops happening.

You were one of my closest friends, one of my best friends then my first love but you don't want me to be around anymore I know. Ouch. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how and I don’t know why but my feelings for you was real. It was my fault. The sand in our hour glass just ran out*

*Enough lee hyerim ENOUGH* he yelled  but I had more to say

**At this point, I’m going to apologize again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t change for you even though I wanted to so badly. You didn’t ask me to but I felt like you didn’t need to. I wanted to be the kind of girl that I felt you deserved. A nice kind of girl you could trust, the kind you could take home to your mother, even though I’m terrified of meeting people’s parents.

I wanted to be a forever kind of girl. I wanted to be a girl who could promise you forever and mean it. I thought I’d changed but I discovered that I hadn’t. I’m still as afraid of commitments and forevers as I was before..

Maybe You and I just weren’t meant to be in the end and that makes me sad because I wanted us to work out more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You don’t see this now and you may not see it next week, or next month or next year but one day you’ll see that you deserve so much better than me and what I could give you.

You deserve someone who can give you the love I couldn’t.

Someone who could understand you better than I ever did. Someone who isn’t drowning in their own demons

So I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I hope I haven’t made you afraid to give your heart again. I hope you’re not afraid to fall in love again. I hope that one day you find someone who makes you happy*

My tears were falling Down, somehow I want to sob so hard but I couldn't do it in front of him, I've been rejected right now in silence, he didn't move or say like he was waiting for me to understand and let go of him so he can run again.
My head was leaned on his back, my last hug comes to an end

*Goodbye jungkook ,And I hope that one day you’ll forgive me.*

I said, as I let go of him, I knew he wouldn't turn, so I just turned and walked away holding my sob until I can go far enough to not be heard..

_______jungkook pov_______

I stood there, I let her talk, even though I knew I can't handle for so long. She suddenly backhugged me and I froze, I was Fighting myself to not do anything stupid, I wanted to turn and hug her, but I couldn't.
Her words were killing me, I started to feel the shrinking in my chest.
*Enough lee hyerim ENOUGH* I yelled, but she didn't stop, she let out what she wants to say, my tears fell down, as the fact that she said ( there will be Never be an us again).
It can be true, but I didn't want it to be true, I loved her so much that I'm scared to drawn in more complicated things, my bros are in the other side, we never hurted each others, to be with her, it becomes simply impossible.
I know she cried in my back, I felt the cold tears in my wet shirt, I cried too, I just wanted her to stop because I can't take it anymore, it will just hurt the both of us, I ever accepted to date has nui, Just to let her give up on me and move on, it will be unfair if she loves me while I can't have her back.
She remains silent for a moment, in this morning and in this silent empty beach the only noise I heard was her trying to hold back the urge to cry, I did too, my hot tears were running down in silence as I was biting my lip to fight it, I didn't want her to know that I still feel the same. I just can't hater her, I love her, but the reality is uglier than that. It's much more stronger than me and he.
She let go of me, and I felt it's unfair that I didn't have the chance to say goodbye probably, but if I do, I know she will back to hold on me again, this is the best thing I can do, to not hurt anybody else more, is to let her go*

She walked away as I run faster to be away too, I stopped for a while and turned to see her back keep walking away more further, my tears didn't want to stop, this is our last time here together, I said as I sat down on the sand again letting my tears fall, I've been holding on for so long, I'd better do it now alone, than my tears can betray me later in front of others.  

*Goodbye lee hyerim*