I built her a green house. I built it with my own hands because she hates flowers. Naniniwala siyang hindi dapat pinipitas ang mga bulaklak na iyon because like human beings, they have their own lives to live. She hates it when she receives flowers. She'd rather choose to have none sense things – like a recycled bottle, or whatever that she can keep than to be given flowers. I remembered giving her chicharong bulaklak when she was still alive. She was too happy that her cheeks glowed. She was too grateful, halos hindi niya nga makain iyon sa sobrang tuwa.
She seemed to be very weird, but the truth is, she was easy to please and that's one of the many things that I admired about her.
I wanted to give her flowers every day, I wanted her to feel that even if were heaven – earth away from each other, I am here for her so I built her a green house. My friends think that I a crazy for doing this, for still loving her even if she's not with me. They all wanted me to move on. They all wanted me to face lie again.
I couldn't blame them. For months, I stayed inside my room, in my house, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to live. I just want to follow her and be done with it for I missed her so damn much. I wantd to die so many times and I tried so hard to die pero tuwing gagawin ko ay para bang may pwersa na nagiging dahilan kung bakit hindi iyon natutuloy.
But then, one night, I almost succeeded. Maybe, finally, the fates have agreed with me – that I have to end this to finally be happy. I had my rope with me, I am going to hang myself but even before I can do all these, Mariella Jimena entered my room and she screamed right after realizing what I am trying to do.
Pinilit niya akong bumaba roon and when I finally gave up, I sat on the floor crying. Si Yella ay nakatayo sa harapan ko.
"Just let me die, please! I wanna be with her! I wanna be with her!"
Yella, she just stood there. I didn't know about her reactions or about her thoughts. Nandoon lang siya, pero nagulat ako nang bigla na lang niya akong pagsasampalin. Kinalmot niya ang leeg ko at noon ko siya narinig na humagulgol na para bang may parte sa kanya ang talagang napakasakit. I looked at her. Her eyes were swollen and her face were all red and painful.
"Kung gusto mong mamatay, mamatay ka doon sa malayo kung saan hindi ka makikita ng mga kapatid mo, iyong hindi ka mahahanap ni KD o ni Azul, iyong hindi mo masasaktan sila Ido, iyong sisiguraduhin mong kahit anong bakas mo hindi nila makikita because that would be so much easier to deal with than finding you here in this empty house, lifeless. Mahal na mahal ka namin, Judas. Pero napapagod na kami kaya sige, kung ayaw mo na kaming makasama, kung ayaw mo nang mabuhay, then just die. Kill yourself, take away your own fucking life but make sure to not fucking hurt my husband and the people around you."
After that, she left. Naiwan naman akong nakaupo sa sahig habang nakatingala sa taling nakasabit na sa kisame. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganoon ang magiging reaksyon ni Yella. Ang buong akala ko ay hindi nya lang ako naiintindihan, but she has a point. If I wanna die, then, I should just die. Iyong hindi ako makikita ng mga kapatid ko, iyong hindi iiyak ang mga pamangkin ko. Iyong hindi masasaktan si Arruba.
Pero, naisip kong baka dahil sa ginagawa ko sa sarili ko, nasaktan ko na sila.
Hindi pala baka. Nasaktan ko sila. Habang abala ako sa pananakit sa sarili ko at sa pagiging malungkot, nasasaktan ko na sila. My brothers let me deal with my pain alone but that doesn't mean that they care less. Arruba wanted to be with me but I am always shutting her down.
People, they love me, and maybe, if I couldn't live life for myself because she died, maybe I can live life for the people around me who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
