The party is big. I can compare it to those my dad used to take me to when I was a little girl. Si Mommy kasi, ayaw na ayaw niya ng parties kaya kapag may something sa company namin, si Dad at ako ang nagpupunta.
"Are you okay?" Judas asked me. Magkatabi kaming nakaupo sa isang table. His friends are everywhere and they were dancing and mingling with the others. Kaming dalawa lang ang naiwan sa table na iyon. I smiled at him. "Ang galing no, hindi natin niplano pero iisa ang theme ng costumes natin." He commented.
"It's amazing." I said to him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako makapagsalita sa kanya ngayon. Maayos naman siyang nakikipag-usap. May topic naman kaming dalawa, iyon nga lang, para bang natatanga ako. Nararamdaman ko kasing lumalakas at bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Nanginginig nga ang mga kamay ko at alam kong naramdaman iyon ni Judas. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko kanina at para bang hinahaplos – haplos niya ba. He even asked me if I am okay.
"Are you okay?" He asked me.
"Yes. I'm just a bit overwhelmed." I answered him honestly. He grinned.
"Dahil ba iyan sa kagwapuhan ko?"
I rolled my eyes. "Hindi bagay sa'yo." Tumawa siya. Bahagya akong nagulat noong hawakan niya iyong kmay ko. Na-fix tuloy doon ang mga mata ko. He doesn't seem to mind. Doon lang siya nakatingin sa dance floor. And then, he looked at me again.
"Sayaw tayo..." He said. Tumayo na siya nang hawak niya ang kamay ko. Wala naman akong magawa kundi ang sumama sa kanya. My heart, it's still beating fast. So fast that I find it hard to breathe.
We stood in the middle of the dance floor and I really felt like Daisy Buchanan and that he was my Jay Gatsby. Jude grinned at me while he puts his hand on my waist and held my other hand. Our eyes locked again and I felt so blessed to have this moment with him. His lonely eyes met my gaze and somehow, it felt like I could actually see his pain, raw and real and unimaginable.
It was as if I could see right through him and my instinct tells me that his soul, for whatever reason is tainted and abused. It screams for help, that his soul, it needs redemption.
The music was haunting. It somehow, describes Jude and what I think about him.
And you're sitting in the front row
Wanna be first in line
Waiting by my window
Giving me all your time
You could be my hero
If only I could let you go
Like a broken arrow...
He is a broken arrow. That, I can see in his eyes. I smiled again.
"You looked so good, Judas. It suits you."
"Kaya nga, diba ang gwapo ko." Kinindatan niya pa ako na siyang ikinatawa ko nang sobra. Napansin kong bahagya siyang natigilan noon pero nakitawa na rin siya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang saya ko ngayon. It shouldn't be like this. Hindi naman dapat ako umakto nang ganito. But I happen to like Jude so much. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan, kahit na alam kong hindi niya kayang ibigay sa akin ang lahay. I know that he has so many uncertainties. Saka teka, bakit ko ba iniisip iyon? Hindi naman kami lalagpas kung anong mayroon kami, plus, aalis na rin ako papunyang Thailand and then I'll be going back to the US. Jude has his own life here. At hindi naman ako parte ng buhay na iyon.
"You wanna get out of here?" He suddenly asked me out of nowhere.
"Saan?" Iyon ang una kong nasabi.
"Let's go." Mahigpit niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko at sabay kaming lumabas mula sa party na iyon. Akala ko ay doon kami sasakay sa kotse niya but he found a Red Ducati and made me ride behind him. Hinatak niya ang mga braso ko para maipalupot ko ang mga braso ko sa kanya. We are so close – so close that I am fucking afraid that he might hear my heart beat.
He made me wear a helmet. Red iyong sa akin, green iyong sa kanya.
"Hold tight. We're going to fly." Pagkasabi niya noon ay pinaandar niya ang Ducati. Hindi ko alam kung saan kamio pupunta but that's the beauty of being with Judas. I don't know much about the things in his mind, I don't know much about the things in his mind but I know that he will never do anything to hurt me. He will take care of me – well that's what I have in mind. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napakadali para sa akin ang magtiwala sa kanya. Maybe it ws because of his eyes and how lonely they seem.
Tinahak namin ang daan palabras ng Metro. I realized that we're going up – to the place where we can see the Metro Lights and it's skycrappers. Hindi naman nagtagal ay naroon na kami. I am amazed by what I am seeing right now. Nakakatuwa lang dahil na-experience ko ito nang siya ang kasama ko.
"We're here." He announced. Siya ang nag-alis ng helmet ko pagkatapos ay inalalayan niya akong bumaba ng motor. We are now facing the Metro night lights. It's not as pretty as Paris but it is something and I felt like it's something that I should remember forever because Jude is here.
Is it okay if I like him? Is it okay if I let all my guard down? My dad had always told me that love is a gamble. It is about taking chances and being ready to lose everything. Pero kapag nanalo naman daw, walang mapagsisidlan ang kaligayahan sa buhay ng tao. Love is a gamble...
I am not yet in love with Judas but if he keeps on treating me this way, I might be. I sighed dreamily.
"Funny thing happened today." Panimula niya. Nakinig lang naman ako sa kanya. "I was with KD and the other guys. We were diaper shopping." Natawa siya sa salitang diaper at saka nagpatuloy sa pagkwento. "Something hit me..."
"Who did?"
"Hindi." He laughed again. "I realized that I don't want to be sad anymore, Arielle."
"In the first place, why are you even sad?" Binuksan na rin lang niya iyong topic na ito, bakit ba hindi ko na lang din itanong. I am curious. Hindi sumagot si Jude. Instead, ngumiti lang siya sa akin tapos ay bumuntong – hininga. Mukhang hindi pa siya handing pag-usapan ang mga bagay na gumugulo sa isipan niya. I wanted to know but it seems like he's not ready yet.
"See, you're not ready to talk about it yet. You're tired of being sad but you're not ready to let go of what's making you sad. Jude, para maging masaya, kailangan mong palayain ang sarili mo sa kung anong ikinalulungkot mo. Being brave means letting go and living means taking a risk. Kung pagod ka nang malungkot, magpahinga ka, pero h'wag ka nang bumalik. There are so many things in your life that matters than what is making you sad." Hinawakan ko ang braso niya. "Sabi nga sa meet the Robinson's, Keep moving forward."
I smiled. He just looked at me and I got the biggest surprise of my life when he kissed me.
He kissed me on the lips. It was just a mere brushing of two lips but as the moments passed by, naging tunay na halik iyon. I was shookt. I don't know what to do or how to react, it's just that... it felt so good and so...
Hindi naman ito ang first kiss ko pero para bang iyon ang isang halik na hindi ko makakalimutan.
He lingered.
But he ended it. Nagkatinginan lang kami. He, then smiled. Hinalikan niya ako sa noo tapos ay hinawakan ang kamay ko. We stood in the middle of the vacant lot – looking at the lights feeling giddy and yet happy.
Walang kasiguraduhan kay Judas pero...
Hindi ko maipaliwanag....
