Josh was the first beautiful and pure thing Tyler found himself thinking about.
Often, too much for his own good.
Tyler would make note of how Josh's shirt had approximately twelve wrinkles on the upper front of it, and how the boy wouldn't sit still long enough for him to properly count but he would still try.
Tyler would make note of how Josh's shoe was untied, just one, and he wanted so badly to fix it, but he wouldn't.
Tyler would make note of how good he felt when Josh smiled, not only because his teeth were straight but because he was beautiful.
Tyler would also make note that when he went to Starbucks every Tuesday, walking from his home at the same time so he'd arrive at 10:30 exactly, that Josh slowly became an occurrence at the same time.
Josh was never there at the same exact time each Tuesday. But it was okay, Tyler didn't mind, because Josh was there.
And Tyler didn't mind how Josh's hair would change color sometimes, or how his shirt wasn't straightened or how he didn't make sure he had exactly five packets of sugar like Tyler did. The numbers of three or six packets Josh added were alright with Tyler.
And Josh seemed to be okay with how Tyler asked him out six times, and how he had said yes after the second, in the middle of the third. Tyler just kept asking, and Josh smiled as he listened for him to finish.
Josh found it odd, but he didn't mind how Tyler separated his salad by color, cutting the lettuce pieces into thirds in the middle of their first date. Josh talked enough for him.
Josh really didn't mind how on the walk back, Tyler stopped at each set of branching cracks in the sidewalk. Josh stopped with him, waiting for him.
He never left, he waited, even as the first date turned into a third and a seventh and how that turned into a moving truck and boxes of belongings.
Josh was okay with cutting the boy's pills into three pieces three times a day.
Josh was okay with watching their bedroom lights be turned on and off several times- Fourteen, to be exact.
Josh felt nice when Tyler told him how nice he looked more than once or three times.
He felt protected as Tyler locked the front door twelve times and the back door ten.
He felt loved as Tyler said goodnight as many times as he pleased.
But slowly, Josh felt annoyed as the stopping for cracks occurred.
He felt pressured to cut the pills into equal sizes, and to let Tyler kiss him goodbye however many times when he left for work.
He felt aggravated when he would get calls during lunch about how the medicine Josh left in the bag for Tyler was uneven and sloppy.
He felt unhappy when Tyler was near him.
How could you say any of that?
Tyler didn't understand what Josh meant. Josh was his life, really. What he obsessed over. The line between Josh and Tyler had blurred and Tyler wasn't sure which person he worried about more- Himself and being perfect or Josh and him being imperfectly beautiful.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That isn't going to make me keep being with you, Tyler.
This isn't fair.
You aren't fair to me. It was a mistake.'
How could this be a mistake?
Tyler didn't feel like he needed to wash his hands for fourty seconds with lukewarm water after touching Josh. He didn't feel like he had to think about if he'd locked the door or not, Josh would remind him. He didn't feel like he had to worry about the small little details of the world being terrible because Josh's small little details made him feel amazing inside.
How could this be a mistake?
Josh and Tyler isn't a mistake, being in love isn't a mistake, you don't fall out of love overnight and there isn't a way in the entire world that Josh could call this a mistake when Tyler finally felt like he wasn't a mistake himself.
How could this be a mistake?
Tyler would cry if he forgot to lock the door when he left, or if the lights were still on.
How could this be a mistake?
It isn't.
Tyler leaves the door unlocked.
Tyler leaves the bedroom lights on.
The rest are out.
