new things (jalex short story)

2

The fact that people have the power to drive others to suicide, it's quite a powerful thought. If you think about it, I could bully someone so much that they'd eventually kill them self or at least try. And if that doesn't worry the world then I don't know what the fuck will. The origin of this thought came from the fact that I'm sitting here right now wondering how much I'd have to bleed to actually kill myself. And then that led to people hurt themselves. They do that to others.

But now I'm sitting here thinking, I wonder if I would be able to stand the pain of a slit in my skin, which I guess is an unhealthy thought now that I think about it. It doesn't really have anything to do with the fact that I am now alone, its just something I thought much to often to be normal and healthy.

Maybe the only way to shake that thought from my head would be to see for myself. But then I'd have to think, why would I want to, how would I do it, what would I even use and what if someone saw. Those are all big ass questions in themselves but the part that worried me the most is if a friend saw, they could tell my parents, the school, or worse. A psychologist.

But when I imagine my skin covered in scars and scabs I feel like it may be worth it. I've always been infatuated with the idea of it. Much more than anyone who hadn't ever done it would be. I think the thought alone of doing was much more overwhelming than doing it actually would be. Especially to me. If I want to do something quite badly, when I do it it just calms me down. I just hope that if I did do it I would feel the need to do it continuously to calm me down.

Maybe my mind is just broken. If I can think all of these thoughts, sitting here having breakfast with my mother at the kitchen table, then maybe I may need mental help. I just think that I'd be able to handle doing it once and only once. As I sat there eating my soggy cereal, I scratched at my free thumb with my fingers. It was a nervous habit and I was fucking nervous. Not that I knew why.

When I got to the part in my morning where I arrived at school, I walked from the bus and toward the gate and while I was doing so I thought what the fuck has happened to me? What has happened for my thoughts to become absolutely depressive? I was walking on my own when I made my way to my locker to throw my bag in before trying to find someone to talk to. I caught a glimpse of movement in the corner of my eye and turned to see a boy I'd never seen before. I walked over to him, smiling.

"Hey! You must be Alex!" I said, with a smile. Trying to be as friendly as possible. He turned and looked at me, and oh boy was he good looking. He smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, I am. And you are..?" He asked, thrusting his hand at me.

"I'm Jack, we're in the same grade. My friend told me you were starting today. Don't worry, we're not that bad here," I told him, taking his hand and shaking it weakly. His skin was so cold and smooth.

We continued talking until the bell sounded, I then found we were in the same home room and showed him the way there. I asked him a few things about himself, none of which he answered- just avoided. Maybe he just finds me weird, or overly happy. Only one of which I was. And it definitely was not happy.

In the last period, I was sitting in the back of English stressing the fuck out, my eyes were stinging and my hair was probably extremely messy from my hands constant assault on it. I grabbed all of my stuff and ran out when the teacher wasn't paying attention. I headed straight for the bathrooms and threw my bag against the bench, hard.

"What the fuck Jack!" I yelled. I placed my hands on the bench and stared at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. I was trying to calm my breathing. Which, evidently, was absolutely not working.

I pulled myself up so I could sit and put my face into my hands, leaning back against the mirror. I was so caught up in not letting a single tear fall that I didn't hear the door open. Or even the first time someone said; are you okay?

"Jack? Hello?" I looked up and saw Alex standing in front of me, basically between my legs, "what's up?" He asked awkwardly after we looked at eachother for a solid minute. Me not realizing my important mission of not crying had failed as he reached forward and brushed away my tears with his thumb.

I opened my mouth to speak but absolutely nothing came out other than my breath, which I had be holding. He smiled in understanding and heaved himself up to sit next to me. I looked at him and gave him the weakest smile to ever exist.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he gave my back a quick rub before his hands connected in his lap. I took an extremely deep breath as I tried to think of what to say.

What could I say? My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, oh and on a completely unrelated note I've been seriously considering cutting myself? Sure. I'm going to say that to him. A complete stranger. I wouldn't even say that to my closest friend. Then again though, I didn't really have a friend I would call my closest, Zack and Rian were each others best friends, I was just the guy they'd hang out with if the other was busy. It didn't feel great but it was probably just as a result of my current, no, most recent relationship.

I felt that I was quite a needy person, if I'm in a relationship, I need their attention a lot of the time to stop myself from going insane. Even if I was frustrated with people so much as looking at me I'd get pissed if I didn't get asked 'what's wrong?' by my significant other which is something that would annoy any single person. And I was quite aware of that fact, but I guess that just tied in with the fact that most of the things I did would disappoint at least one person, and I was kind of proud of the track record I held with that. So I wasn't exactly willing to change anytime soon. Maybe I'm just a horrible person. I think I can live with that though.

I think Alex understood when I didn't answer again, because he just sat there in silence with me until we had to leave to make sure we didn't miss the bus. Giving me a tight hug before we left the horrible smelling bathroom.