From Bad To Worse | Doctor Who Fanfiction

3. Realisations

The Doctor woke well rested from a very pleasant dream he already couldn't remember, then he remembered that he was laying in Martha's arms, he turned towards her and saw that she had fallen asleep herself. Not that he was surprised by this, this had almost always been the case when he woke up in her arms. He sighed contently, he would never admit it, but he really missed this. Why hadn't they done this more often? Well, he never realised that he missed this, until now.

He laid his head back on her chest and listened to her heartbeat for a while, his thoughts trailed back to the nightmare he had before Martha woke him. He had often nightmares about the SS Petallian, but never that he regenerated and then Martha leaving him. Why had the idea hurt so much, a better question was, how could he have realised in his dream that he loved her if that wasn't true at all in real life? They were nothing more than friends, just friends.

Right?

Of course, not. It was just his brain playing a trick on him, Martha was beautiful, there was no denying of that it was a fact, every bloke in the universe would agree with him. But that he thought of her as attractive didn't mean that he loved her, right? No, there was also the fact that she was clever but also compassionate and stubborn as hell. She was a great doctor and always looked after everyone who needed her help and he loved her for that

The Doctor blinked.

Where had that come from? It was just one of her traits that he appreciated a lot, he'd love everyone for having these traits. Okay, Martha was special but,... oh no... oh no... nope, impossible... nope... not happening, not happening at all he wasn't falling in love with Martha Jones, that just wasn't happening. The Doctor started to shook his head but stopped short as he remembered the sleeping beaut...Human!, who he was using as a pillow. Better not! Waking Martha Jones was a death sentence, or at least asking for trouble. He had learned that a Martha with disrupted sleep tended to become very moody. She wasn't perfect and that was one of the things that he lov- liked! about her.

No, he didn't love her, definitely not, nope, not at all, not a bit, well, he certainly didn't hate her, but love her? No, he would've realised something like that earlier, right? he had known her for seven years. Blimey! Seven years already? He wasn't that oblivious to his own feelings, right? He was admittedly oblivious to other's feelings, but his own? No, that had to be impossible, he knew himself, had had almost a 1000 years to figure his feelings out. This kind of feelings carried over during regeneration as they were too important to change on a whim. So he knew his feelings. But on the other hand he had never fallen in love before, so he didn't know how it felt. No... no ... no, he was not thinking like that! He certainly was not.

He did not love Martha Jones!

Besides, she was married. It would be a bit late to declare his love to her, as she was married. And he was not going to steal Martha from Mickey, he had already done that to Mickey once.

And, why, oh why, was he thinking like this if he didn't love Martha. Well, he was just considering what would happen if he did love her, but he didn't he certainly did not.

Why couldn't he just get the thought of his mind, he did not love her, so he didn't need to think about it either. He went to search his memories, he had never felt anything remotely non-platonic for her. So why would he now? It couldn't be the regeneration because as mentioned before feelings like that carried over. Maybe was he just looking at his feelings in another way? No, then he still would've noticed that he had some feelings for her in the first place. Maybe it was just the joy of seeing her for the first time in years, no that couldn't be it either, he hadn't felt this way when he met Sarah Jane again and that had been more than 50 years! So what was it then, why would he realise in his dream that he love her if it wasn't remotely true in real life?