The diagnosis

Chapter 34

I fell asleep after a long time, but couldn't remain that way. After a while of trying, I gave up and turned in Harry's arms to look at him instead of away. My throat was dry and my eyes hurt, but I still felt together. i lifted my hand and brushed a fallen hair out of Harry's face so I could look at him. As I studied his gentle, peaceful features, I felt my knotted stomach calm down.

I tucked my head into Harry's chest and sighed. I thought about my mum and how much I miss her and my brother, and even my father. I might not have been his biggest fan, but he was still my dad and I love him. I loved them all so much, and All I could think about was how much I never told them that. A song that my mom used to sing to me popes into my head. Smiling with tears in my eyes I began humming it. She used to sing it to me to help me sleep so I was hoping it wouldn't wake Harry.

I whisper/sing the words as I feel thickness rise in my throat. I kept my voice even and tried for calm. I tried to clear my thoughts of my family because I knew If I started crying Harry would wake up, and he's seen me cry enough theses past couple days. I let out a sigh as I finish the short lullaby but it didn't help to calm me or tire me.

"That was beautiful," Harry's deep, raspy, sleepy voice says quietly. I jumped slightly, not knowing he was awake. His arm tightened, saving me from what would have been an inevitable fall off of the couch. "Sorry, love, didn't mean to startle you." I sigh and relax back into him. "It's alright, I just didn't know you were awake." We lie there in silence for a while. I thought he must have fell back asleep.

"Having troubles sleeping?" His voice says, contradicting my thoughts. "Yeah." I respond quietly. Suddenly, Harry begins singing softly to me, his beautiful voice filling the senses his nearness wasn't. I could see the sun rising in the distance as the bus traveled, and slowly my eyes closed and I drifted into a warm darkness as Harry sang to me.

I slowly lifted from my slumber because of hushed voices. "You guys have really gotta stop with all the PDA." Louis voice says. I could hear the smile and joking tone. I tried not to smile. "Oh, shut up will you. She's been through enough." I hear zayn say angrily. "I was just kidding. You guys know I love her! She's my new sister and there's nothing you lot can do about it." Soft Chuckles filled the room.

"Eh, do you think we could watch the game?" Niall's Irish accent rings out. "Alright. Just be quiet yea?" Harry's voice thrums from infront of my face. "It's just so sad about the accident." Liam said quietly. The boys agreed. I silently agreed. I closed my eyes again. I had to admit being curled up with Harry was the most comfortable thing I thing I've ever experienced.

"I just hate seeing her in so much pain." Harry breathed. I could tell he was leaning his face down to brush against my hair when I felt his long hair tickle my face. A small smile pulled at my lips before I could stop it. I felt Harry's lips press to the top of my head and it took everything in me not to sigh happily. Yeah I may have been in the most pain I could ever imagine, but Harry was keeping me alive and happy, when I thought I'd never be able to be happy again. That is all I could ever ask for.

"I just wish that she would talk to me more about the bad stuff though, you know? I mean she's finally opened up about lots of stuff which makes me so happy, but it still doesn't feel like she can talk to me about some stuff." Harry said quietly. I was confused, I've opened up to him more than anyone ever before. What more does he want?

Surprisingly, the usually quiet Zayn spoke up in my deffense. "I know. It was painful enough seeing her just the few times I did when she was going through the cancer treatments. She was so strong and tried so much to hide how much pain the treatment caused her from us. Especially from you Harry. I think it hurts her more on top of everything to see what her pain puts you through, and that's why she doesn't talk about much stuff with you." Zayn's peaceful voice said from somewhere behind me.

"What do you mean?" Harry said. "Does she talk to you?" He continued. "Yea, she talks to all of us." Zayn responds. "You know what I mean, mate." Harry said. "Yes, she does." I was surprised that Harry didn't get angry, in fact he seamed to calm down even more. "Will you tell me about if?" Harry said hesitantly. "I'm not sure if she'd want that." "Please Zayn? If she gets mad about you telling me I'll make sure she knows that I forced you. I won't let you take the blame." With that, zayn hesitantly began telling the story, while I remembered it happening through the back of my closed eyelids.

*Flashback*

It was back when I was first diagnosed with cancer and had gotten mad at Harry and was avoiding him I had only had a few treatments at this point, but lots were to come. I sat tucked into a corner of an empty wing of the hospital. My face was pressed into my knees that were curled up to my chest. Tears ran down my face. "You alright?" A familiar accent asked, it was Zayn. I peaked up at him as he walked over and sat next to me, not too close though, he was giving me space.

"What do you think?" I mumbled. "I don't know, why don't you tell me everything that's going through your mind right now, as we can take it from there, together, alright?" I nodded slowly. "Well, first of all, I have bloody cancer!" A new wave of tears poorer like a river out of my eyes. Zayn scooted closer and put an arm around me. I froze at first, but then relaxed into his caring touch. "Do you want to tell me about how cancer is?" I started shaking and he hugged me tighter. "The pain. Is unimaginable. The sickness that comes with treatment is so horrible. I can't talk about it with anyone because everyone will jut feel bad! And I hate seeing people in pain because of my words or feeling like an attention seeker!" I cried. Zayn rubbed my back, letting me speak at my own pace. "I puke, get so weak, and feel horrible to reside inside my own body, like it's dying, whenever I take treatment. You know how much it sucks having to rely on a person when your that broken and then this happens?!" Soft sobs escape my lips.

"I know that I can never truly understand what you're going through with your treatments, but I do know it's healthy to talk about things. Emotions held inside is never good because they never go away, just present themselves in another way. I also know that I am no councillor, but I will always be here for you as a friend to talk, yea? And Andy, Harry loves you. I've never seen him like this. Yea, he's had past relationships but you seem to mean so much more than any of those Combined. He just wants to help you, so let him." I nodded and leaned into Zayn "thank you Zayn." He nodded. "And just know that yeah everyone will feel bad about you having cancer, but that's because it's a horrible sickness. Let people help you because you can't take the world on alone. We will help you. Just try not to push us away." I hugged him hard. "Thank you so much Zayn."

*flashback ended*

When I flashed back to the present Zayn was telling Harry what treatment feels like and all the pain that radiated through me. I felt something wet hit my face. I blinked my eyes open and looked up at Harry. He had tears inching down his face and falling on to mine. I lifted myself slightly and kissed a tear away. He looked at me with pain in his eyes. "Did we wake you?" He asked with a sniffle. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his neck. He held me to him tightly as sobs rocked his body. I peered at Zayn nervously. I've never seen Harry cry like this before. "He's getting it all out" he mouthed. Zayn left the room to join the others who had left during the private story to the kitchen.

I continued giving Harry soft kisses as tears fell from his eyes. I kissed his neck and received a moan from him. I jumped slightly and looked up at him with wide eyes. There were still tear stains on his face, but he smiles and laughed quietly. "My innocent angel. We're going to have to change that. Well not really, but you catch my drift." Harry spoke into my ear. I gulped and he nipped at my neck softly. I giggled and pushed him away. I moved my face just in front of his, my lips almost brushing his. In an act of pure bravery I said "maybe we will." And rocked my hips into his. I was rewarded with his wide eyes and excitement pushing into me. I giggled and cuddled back into him. "You never cease to surprise me." He said with shallow breath. As long as he wasn't thinking about those horrible thoughts.