The diagnosis

chapter 46

Andy

When my tears exhausted me and I finally fell into darkness, nightmares filled my mind. Multiple scenarios of me dying or my cancer getting worse. All the while I was alone. So alone. A few times Harry appeared, but he was just out of reach. I cried out to him when a mirror appeared in front of me. My hair was gone and my skin was sickly and ashen. Harry looked at me in disgust and walked away from me. I collapsed onto my knees crying until I finally woke up to find that I had only slept for about three hours.

Visiting hours would not begin for another couple of hours so I got up to go to the bathroom. Nearly collapsing as I saw my gross leg and noticed I was weaker today, i moved slowly towards the bathroom. I stared at my leg for a while in disgust. It looked like it had been been severely burned, which it had been because of the radiation.

I washed my face and stared hard at myself in the mirror. I looked nothing like the monster I was in my dream. My skin was pale but not as horrendously as in my dream. And I still had my hair. I went and sat back on my bed as a nurse came in to check on me. She rubbed some gel stuff on my leg and it helped slightly with the discomfort.

Finally, Harry burst in my room, looking worried and tired. He studied me carefully as he pulled a chair close to my bed side. Louis meandered into the room a few seconds later, before Harry had even said anything. "Hi guys!" I said enthusiastically as Niall and Liam trudged in after them. I hid the horrors of my previous night well. I won't let Harry feel guilty every time he has to leave me alone in the hospital. They all greet me warmly with tight hugs.

Louis hug lasts slightly longer and I enjoy the brotherly feel that I've missed from Kay so much. I pat him reassuringly as he studies me worriedly. Harry grabs hold of my hand and refuses to let it go, but I don't mind one bit. "How was your night?" Harry finally asks. My heart races a bit but then I respond calmly. "It was good, slept like a baby." I smiled at him. "How about you? You look tired." i say, slightly concerned. "He was so bloody worried about you being alone here!" Louis exclaimed for Harry. I looked at Harry warmly as he ducked his head shyly. "I'm fine, but you need to get your rest too you know." He nodded sheepishly but looked more reassured.

Maybe he will be able to sleep better tonight then. At least it makes one of us. I thought to myself. The boys spent time talking and joking. When a meal was brought for me, the boys decided to go grab something from the cafeteria themselves. I ushered Harry to join them, but he refused. Louis said he'd bring something back for him. I thanked him.

Before I even had a chance to eat anything a nurse came in my room. "Hi sorry, but we need to get you to chemo. You can eat it later. This way you won't feel as bad during treatment." I nodded and moved to stand with a groan. Harry was at my side instantly and helped me into the wheel chair the nurse had left. I hated this.

My hospital outfit had risen up slightly as I collapsed into the chair, displaying the gross burn from radiation the previous day. I quickly moved to cover it before Harry could see it, but heard a sharp intake of breath. I turned to him in time to see him wince and look away. A pain stabbed me in the chest as I remembered my dream about him being disgusted with me. But when he turned back to face me, he wasn't disgusted at all. Tears brimmed his eyes and he looked in pain. He was in pain to see me in pain.

"It doesn't hurt." I lied as I reached out to touch his cheek. He leaned down so I could reach him and then leaned even further to press a kiss to my lips. "I wish you wouldn't lie to me." He breathes as he pulled away. "Even if it's for my own benefit." He continued. I didn't know what to say. So I remained silent as he pushed me to the chemotherapy room.

I was hooked up to wires and the nurse hung my bag of chemotherapy on the little pole. I sat back in my chair and looked around the room when people like me go through this grueling process on a regular basis.

Harry's hand squeezed mine affectionately an hour later. He could tell I was feeling it. My stomach twisted and I reached for the bowl on the table beside me. Harry held me close as I retched and continued to dry heave because there was nothing else to get out of my stomach. Tears flowed down my face as I continued to gag and dry heave. Harry whispered sweet words to me throughout the entire process and I was confused as to why he wasn't disgusted.

When i finally stopped trying to puke my stomach out through my esophagus, Harry took my shaking body into his arms. A nurse bustled around, cleaning up the bowl and placing a cup of water next to me along with some salty crackers. I pushed my face into Harry's neck as he held me, being careful of the tube in my arm.

This was only the beginning of this battle. What am I going to do? What if I'm not strong enough? What if I can't beat this?

What if I die?