Die to Live

Chapter 4: "My fault"

Hey, guys! all chapters until the fifth have been fixed and completed, the next ones are still on process. Meanwhile please keep reading, a lot of surprises are about to come so stay tuned !! Don't forget to subscribe and vote. Thank you 💙💙🌟

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"Vincent !!, Vincent? !! Wake up!!! "

In a jump, I woke up from my dream, pushing myself with my hands on the bed, I leaned back until I was pressed against the back of it. My eyes wanted to jump out of me. I was trembling, panting for breath, my forehead bathed in sweat. I covered my face with my hands and closed my eyes tightly as I analyzed what had happened. Jane held my hands and slowly lowered them, my eyes were still closed until she touched my cheek and I opened them but didn't looked at her.

"Honey, what's wrong? You were screaming in your sleep and you weren't waking up" Her hand still on my cheek, I grabbed it and kissed it. 

"You really scared me, my God, look at you!!, you're all covered in sweat. " She let loose of my hand, got out of bed and looked for a small towel in the bathroom. 

"Nothing Jane, everything is fine, just another nightmare, don't worry " I tried to play it cool but I failed.

"Vincent, are you sure? You don't look okay to me. Talk to me, please." She dried my forehead and held my face in her hands making me let out a profound sigh.

"You know I don't like pushing you about anything, but also I don't like to keep secrets between us, baby you are really worrying me. Just promise me you'll talk about it. If this has something to do with what you did in your past it's ok, you are here now and I will never leave your side no matter what.  Are you really okay?" She said the last question with a cracked voice. She was really worried. But I can't tell her about it, not yet.

"Yes, baby I'm ok. It's just a nightmare. I haven't had one in a while that's all. And no, it has nothing to do with ... that." I lied.

"Are you sure?" She looked straight at me in the eyes and I noticed they were shiny. Gosh, I hate lying to her but she would freak out if I told her I was going back.... I need to think this better maybe I'm just overreacting and making everything worst in my head, as usual.

"Sure, sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure dear."

"Sure, sure, sur-" I cut her off with a hug and kissed her forehead and said,

"I'm sure Jane, now let's get something to eat. I'm starving." I pulled the sheets to the side, uncovering my naked torso, one foot after the other touched the ground, ready to stand up when Jane kissed my neck right above my ear and put her hands on my shoulders, then my biceps and rubbed them as a sign of trust. I turned my torso to the left, now facing her, put my knee back in bed giving me impulse to be on top of her. I grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her closer to me, gave her a soft but passionate kiss and she let herself fall back, her body resting on her elbows as our faces danced from side to side. I moved my other knee around her so that she could be completely under me, stopped the kiss and grabbed her hands, put them together in one of mine above her head and moved my free hand from her neck to her waist. Kissed her again, and pulled her up, closer to me and sat firmly on top of her down part. She let out a soft moan and well, you know the rest. 

We went downstairs and this time I decided to make the food. Let me tell you, Jane has a strange....obsession I would say, with tomatoes, one of the vegetables I hate the most. She can eat them at any hour like if it was some candy or an apple so she asked me to serve her some Meanwhile, I cooked the food.

I took out the knife from the drawer and some tomatoes from the fridge, she turned the music on, as usual, everything was going great, I definitely felt a lot better. I started to sing in a horrible tone purposely, of course, my singing is amazing, (*please note the sarcasm*). I continued to shop the tomatoes and gave her some in the mouth while dancing and surprisingly, she joined my choreography. I looked at her in shock but smiling since she rarely does this, and as always, she knows how to make me feel better. I forgot I had a knife in my hand and started to move within the beats to Chris Brown. Still, with the knife in hand, it got to me the brilliant idea of dancing "tutting" and obviously, I cut my hand. It was bad, really bad... In a second, my hand was full of blood just like in the dream. I lost my sight altogether, I freaked out. My joy became anger, fear. And whenever I felt really angry, nothing could stop me. 

"LEAVE ME ALONE." I loudly screamed. I threw everything on the counter to the ground. "WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! I haven't done anything! Nothing is my fault. Nothing is my fault." I said to the voices in my head.

My eyes were watering I stared at the mess I made. I was starting to get scared...

"Vincent stop. Please, calm down." She started taking baby steps towards me, her palm looking at me.

My heart accelerated in a breeze. Time froze when I saw that drop of blood splash against the ground. Everything was in slow motion. I was dizzy, my knees gave up. Jane grabbed me, but it was hard for her to keep me standing. 

"VINCENT! Vincent omg!! Omg. Calm down honey it's ok, it's ok. I'm right here baby, here's no one else but me, u didn't do anything, look at me." She was crying but still tried to talk normally. "It's not that bad baby. Please stay with me, don't faint on me, oh my God." She helped me sit on the ground and kissed me but I was too dizzy to respond.

"Vincent don't move please." She got up and ran to the bathroom to get the first aid kit. She came back in a second, kneeled with the box in hand, but struggled to open it since she was shaking too much and her tears interrupted her view. That's when realization hit me. I truly hate seeing her cry and without noticing a tear rolled down my cheek. Stopping her, I held her hand with my sane one, ignoring my pain I pushed myself closer to her and closed my eyes, letting go another tear.

I swallowed hard and took a peek at the things on the floor then looked away.  I almost lost control again. She hugged me very hard, and without saying a word she softly took off. Now back in control but still crying, she opened the box, cleaned my wound and that's when I saw it was just a small cut. I was losing my mind. I need my pills. 

"We need to get you to a hospital, now." She finished bandaging the wound and cleaned her tears with her shirt.

I stayed still. Silent. Looking at her trying to stay in control. I didn't feel pain anymore just guilt and exhaust. I think it was about time I talked to her about this. I'm going to do it. She needs to know.

"Jane," I said in a cracked voice.

She hugged me again. Making me feel worst. I hugged her back with one hand.

"I'm sorry I've been such a headache." I didn't mean to worry you, I just..."

"U don't have to say anything, I understand. I love you, Vincent. "

"I love you too. And that's why... I..... I  think you should know what's going on."