COFFEELESS CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO

04

I had a dream, we were back to seventeen.

Summer nights and The Libertines.

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"Hello, this is—"

"Looney, if someone asks you out on a date, what do you say?"

"Er, depends what kind of date it is."

"Okay, so this girl from school, her name's Emily Johnson. She's part of the cheerleading team and she wanted to go on a date with me!"

"And you're telling me because . . . ?"

"You're the only female adviser I know!"

"Umm . . . don't you have any sisters?"

"Nope. I'm the only child. Spoiled, rich, and typical."

"Ask your mom then! I'm supposed to be working right now!"

"My mom's dead! You can't ask a dead person about a date!"

"Well, have you tried the Resurrection Stone?"

"Well, it's not quite same bringing the dead back to life and just merely forcing her soul to dwell with me!"

"Okay . . . I honestly didn't expect you to come back with that."

"Well, at least you didn't make things awkward by apologizing and getting all sober."

"Um, okay."

"Don't worry! I didn't really like my mom much anyways. She died when I was 2 so I don't have much memories of her."

"Um, okay."

"Okay, before we get all serious and sad, tell me about how I should dress."

"Is this girl Emily, like, your crush?"

"Yep. She's so pretty."

"Okay, then dress as casual as you can be. And never ever freak out on her. Girls hate it when boys freak out. It's not cute when you're trying to wrap your arm around her, okay? Take her out on a decent restaurant, no flowers, that's just boring."

"Yeah, got that."

"And don't get all clingy. Maybe watch a movie depending on her mood."

"Okay. Got that too. Does it matter which movie I choose?"

"Let her pick and don't ever mention that you've watched this movie before or something. Just let her do whatever she wants. But don't appear like you don't care."

"What about kissing?" 

"You're going to kiss her on your first date? Only a player does that!" 

"Um, got that." 

"And don't kiss her unless she looks like she wants too. I mean, if you're going to cut her off in the middle of a sentence, don't do it! No one likes getting interrupted!" 

"Says the girl who cuts me off—"

"Shut up."  

"Okay, got that."

"And . . . don't get too close."

"Hmm . . . why?"

"Because I'm still going to keep my place as your only female friend."

"Hahah! Sometimes you surprise me, Looney. Yeah, anyways thanks for the advice! See—I mean, call you soon!"

BEEP BEEP BEEP

"Why did I do that?"