I tried to carry on

A day to remember

 Dean shakes me awake. I can't hear what he's saying, Im to groggy. "What?" I ask.

 He pulls me up onto his lap and rubs my bare arms. "You're freezing, Cas. Why are you sleeping outside? I thought you froze to death." He asks, worriedly.

 "I had a bad dream and went for a walk. I came up here and accidentally fell asleep." I explain.

 "Damnit, Cas." He sighs, then he asks "what was it about?"

 "You" I whisper. He stops rubbing me.

 "Me?" He asks "what about me?"

 "I was in the veil, those five months I was dead, I woke Sam up the first and the last time you..." I trail off "this time I was glued to the wall, I couldn't move. I watched you die, Dean."

 He sits completely still, holding me tightly, his jaw resting on my head, me sitting in his lap and his arms gripped tightly around me. After a long while he flatly says "Im never putting you through that again."

 I didn't know he is crying, a tear drops off his face and hits my cheek. I pull out from under him and look at him. He is obviously freezing. Hes cheeks and nose are rosy. Hes green eyes, bold and bright, under the glasses, he'd clinged to yesterday. A tear falls down his cheek. I rub it away and whisper "Dean, don't cry."

 "I didn't know you woke up Sam" he says.

 "Yeah, when you did that I went hulk. I would run straight to Sam and start knocking shit over." I say "After the first time, Sam was more alert. He thought you were good after no attempt for a few months. Then you tried again and he was almost to late because I couldn't wake him up at first."

He pulls me in tightly. To tightly. Mote tears splash on my face. "Thank you. If you didn't safe me, I'd be dead, Sammy would've done some sort of crossroads deal, I would've never seen you, Sammy would've been completely alone."

 "Dean, chill out alright. You are alive. Sam is already kissing my ass for it. All I did was wake him up, it's not like I cured cancer or something." I say.

 "Whatever Cas." He sighs, obviously not over it.

 "Hold your breathe" I say.

 "Why?" He asks, as soon as I jump.

 We're sitting on our bed now. He's breathless. I scoot away from him and turn to the closet. "That's what" I sigh.

 "Well, that was uncomfortable." He gasps.

 I nod and grab some clothes. A black sweater, skinny leg jeans and a pair of socks. Putting on my jeans, then my sweater.

 Dean looks at me and smiles. "What?" I ask.

 "You look like the classic kinsey-sticks-gay" he laughs.

 "That's because I am, Dean." I say, cat eying him.

 "Oh, yes, I know." He laughs "I actually kinda like it."

 "Good, I hate regular jeans, I hate the legs on them, the slack on them." I say.

 "It annoys me from time to time" he admits.

 I grab my docs and put them on. "Now you look like a hipster" he laughs.

 "Shut the hell up" I laugh "at least Im not wearing a beanie"

 "Just saying. You're adorable." He laughs.

 "When we were in LA you were wearing much worse." I say.

 "That was for a case" he sighs.

 "You know you liked it" I say.