Life to One | The Outsiders

s i x t e e n

Help Me Forget

"He knows."

Marie cheered over the phone, making Bella wince. Why was she so happy? Bella felt nothing, there was no emotion in her voice. Her drawl, which was often mimicked by the boys that she felt so estranged from, was practically gone. It was replaced by something hard and cold, which wasn't like Bella at all.

She remembered that night that seemed so long ago now.

I wish I couldn't feel, she'd said. Bella felt a lump in her throat.

Are you happy now? she thought, wanting to scream. You got what you wanted, Bella. This is what it feels like to--well, not feel. Hope you like it.

"You did it!" Marie exclaimed. "How did it go? How did he react? Gosh, I'm so proud of you!"

Bella thought of her response. She never gave one, however. She just tried desperately to get rid of the lump in her throat.

Bella thanked God for Marie, whose bright tone quickly faded with realization. "Oh." Marie was smart--she could tell what had happened even when Bella had said nothing.

Bella's lip wobbled. Don't do it, she pleaded with herself. Don't feel. Don't feel anything and it will be ok.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," Marie gushed. "I'm sorry. But if he reacted like that, he's not worthy of being the father of your child."

"How do you know?!" Bella snapped. "You don't even know him."

"I just--" Marie sounded surprised. Bella didn't usually get like that.

"He's so worthy. He's so, so worthy," Bella said, suddenly remorseful. "But he probably won't ever speak to me again because I lied to him for so long. It's ok, though. I'm cool. I'm fine."

Bella slammed the phone down. That was enough emotion for today. She'd already exceeded the amount of feeling she allowed herself to feel each day.

Those last few words were the mantra that Bella adopted for the next few weeks or so. It's ok, I'm cool, I'm fine. It's ok, I'm cool, I'm fine. It's ok, I'm cool, I'm fine.

She got up every morning and got ready, repeating her new motto to herself.

She fed Rachel and handed her over to Dally, who seemingly didn't notice how distant Bella was suddenly being. It's ok, I'm cool, I'm fine.

Bella worked hard at the Dingo, forcing herself to laugh at her coworkers' horrendous jokes and ignored the catcalls coming from the old drunks. Every woman got catcalled here. Typically, the shrill whistles would be followed by shouting and the sound of fists hitting cheeks. That would probably never happen for Bella--a man fighting for her, that is. Nobody would love her enough to.

At nights, when she would get Rachel from Dally, she would smile sweetly and thank him like she always did, and he would mumble something that resembled "You're welcome."

She called Tommy after she put Rachel to bed each night, having long conversations where her worries melted away and she was, for an hour or two, able to forget all about Soda and the gang.

When Bella went to bed, however, things got different. She thought about him each night. He was her last guilty thought before she fell asleep and her first hurting thought when she opened her eyes.