Shattered Hearts

Chapter 45

Darlene folded up Daniel's old sleepsuits, some of which he'd worn only once or twice before he'd outgrown them, if he'd even worn them at all. It was such a waste, the number of newborn clothes she'd been given. She was grateful to be able to pass them onto Charlotte, hoping her baby would get more wear out of them. She didn't say it out loud, but she knew that Charlotte had a whole heap of baby clothes for the child she never had. Clothes that were packed away that she couldn't bear to look at, and would not want to dress another baby in. If she could spare Lottie the pain, then she was more than happy to do so.

"Hi, honey," John said appearing behind her and lightly kissing the top of her head. "I guess I don't have to ask what you're doing."

She shook her head. "Lottie's been through so much, and throughout it all, she's always been there for me. I hope you're not gonna begrudge her a few sleepsuits."

"What do you take me for," John said sounding a little offended, but he sat down and pulled her into a half hug. "Do you seriously think I'd have a problem giving away some old baby clothes to help a friend out."

She turned to him smiling. "I guess not. And I think we know we're not gonna have any more kids so we won't be using this stuff again."

He frowned at her. "You don't wanna try for a girl? You don't want your own mini-me?"

She let out a laugh. "One, we couldn't guarantee we'd get a girl, and two, how the hell would you cope with a daughter? You'd be a nightmare. You wouldn't let her date until she was at least twenty-five."

"True," John admitted sheepishly. "I'm kinda glad I've got two boys cos I know I'd be totally overprotective with a girl. I'd be the dad from hell."

She cleared her throat, looking up at him slyly. "You do know that's cos you're judging all young men by your standards?"

"Hell yes," he said vehemently. "I know how teenage boys think and the thought of sitting back while some sleazeball is trying to get my kid in the back of his car, no way. That ain't happening."

She waved her hand. "Okay, I get it. Be grateful you've got an heir and a spare." He looked at her uncomprehending. "It's just an expression."

"Right," he said clearing his throat. "Darlene, I don't know if you've noticed but I've been doing some thinking lately." He tried to laugh. "You've probably heard the cogs turning in my brain."

Her heart sank, of course, she'd noticed how quiet he'd been but she hadn't exactly been chatty herself. "Go on."

"Well, I've been looking at the past. My past behaviour." He reached for her hand, holding it tightly. "I've been an asshole to you, and that's putting it mildly."

"Agreed," she said trying to make light of it.

"The whole thing with Ros, it was stupid. I was stupid." His grip on her hand tightened to the point of discomfort. "I didn't love her, I loved her when we were kids. The person she is now isn't someone I want to be with. She's ugly, she's absolutely hideous."

"Ugly?" she spluttered in disbelief. Rosalind was many things but ugly wasn't one of them.

"Yeah, she is." He met her eyes, holding her gaze. "Have you ever really looked at her? Looked at what was in her heart, back when you were friends? She's not a nice person, and maybe I'm not either, but at least I can hold my hands up and admit my faults." He let out a weary sigh. "I haven't been a good husband to you - you deserve better - but I want to be with you more than anything. No other woman comes close to you."

She held her breath, contemplating his words. "I love you, more than anything but..."

"I know, I've gotta prove myself to you," he said earnestly. "I'll probably spend the rest of my life proving myself to you cos I can't swear that I won't mess up again."

She looked down, it was what she wanted to hear even though he wasn't promising to be faithful. She didn't expect that he would be, there'd always be a pretty girl who'd catch his eye, but she wasn't sure if she'd prefer honesty or false promises. "You've always been my everything," she said swallowing her pride. "I think we both know I forgive you, and I'm trying to forget..."

"I don't expect you to forget," he said gripping her hands tightly. "And I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm literally down on my hands and knees in front of you."

She couldn't help but laugh. "Actually you're sat right next to me, Johnny."

"Okay, if you want me to kneel down I will." He got off the bed and sat by her feet. "Seriously, you come first, you're my best friend." He reached for her hand again. "And I know how you hate Rosalind's father being my foreman so I've been looking for another job." She gaped at him, not daring to believe it. "I've got a couple of interviews lined up, Morgan's aren't the only housing project in town."

"You think you're in with a shot of getting a new job?" she asked trying to reign in her enthusiasm.

"Darlene, do you honestly think anyone will turn me down," he said sounding like his usual cocky self. "Most places are desperate for labourers but if they don't want me I'll keep looking for something else. I don't want you feeling unsettled every time I go to work."

She squeezed his hand, saying nothing, but her gratitude was immense. He might not find another job and she'd accept it, however, the fact that he was putting her feelings first meant everything to her. They didn't have the perfect marriage, they never would, but in their own messed up way it was working out.

                                                 ~~~

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