yuanfen (completed)

frustration

"Ayoko na! I hate myself! I hate my life!"

Richard had regained use of his upper body. He was able to grasp and hold things, and could lift his arms at will. However, he trembled when he had to do minor tasks like feeding himself or brushing his teeth. He relied on people to feed him as a lot of the food he wanted to put in his mouth would not always make it in. He tried to use his legs to walk but was still a long way from walking independently.  He dragged his feet when he took steps with the aid of a walker.

"UUUUNNNNGGGGHHHHHH!!!" he would scream in frustration. With arms flailing, he knocked over his food tray. When Dei tried to calm him down, he knocked her down as well. He had "lost" his speech again although he would groan or moan once in a while. He used his blinking skills more to "answer"; often closing his eyes when he didn't like to do anything or had a negative answer.

"Tangina! Gusto ko na maging normal ulit! Ayoko na dito!"

Richard hit and knocked Dei down two more times. On the third meal she fed him, she had no choice but to restrain him by tying his hands to the railings of his bed.

"....ayoko man gawin to pero kailangan...." She said in a tone of despair and pity as she tied his wrists to the railings. He ate quietly then turned away from the spoon or food when he was done.

After several days, he refused to chew on his soft food. He would spit out the food or let it just dribble out of his mouth. He would just stare blankly at anyone who came close or talked to him, even Dei. His doctors and parents could not figure out what had happened so they ordered tests to be done. All results came back normal.

"Ayoko na!"

"....buti naman nakabalik ka na....okay ka na ba?" Christina greeted Dei as she entered the nurses' locker room.

".....thank you....oo.....nag-r-rest na si Papa....okay na si Mama at Nanay....."

"...condolences ha.....kung kailangan mo ng kausap, andito lang ako..." Christina hugged Dei.

Dei had gone on an emergency leave for a week because her grandfather, her Papa, had passed away due to a heart attack. She was not able to give proper notice to Richard because it happened early on a Sunday morning while she was preparing to go to church.

No one told Richard formally what happened to Dei when she did not come in to his room the following Monday morning.

"Where is Dei?"

No one spoke to him like Dei did. Dei chatted with him always. She told him about almost everything that happened to her and to the people around. She would sing to him sometimes. His family would speak to him like he was a toddler. He did not respond to them in the way they wanted. He was more "talkative" when Dei was around, "responding" to her with sounds, groans and moans.

"I want Dei!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dei came into Richard's room to find him lying flat on his back, hands tied to the railings of the bed, he was screaming. His pillows and blanket were neatly stacked on the sofa beside the bed. Only a thin sheet was covering his body. Richard's hair was messy and he had a cut on his cheek. His face had dried up tears and saliva marks. He had messed himself also.

Dei cleaned him up but had Sam and Jojo, two burly attendants, assist her as Richard started flailing his arms and legs.  Richard only relaxed and settled back down when they were done and he was all clean again.

"Richard.....Chuck....Champ....anong nangyari sa yo?.....anong nangyayari?" Dei said as she brushed his hair and fixed his pajama top. He was restrained again, his hands tied to the railings of the bed. Richard was staring at the ceiling while Dei tidied up after his bath. She sat on the side of his bed, facing him, stroking his cheeks as she spoke.  He slightly turned his head and looked at her, his eyes were sad.

"Ayoko na! Pagod na pagod na ako, Dei....I want to move...I want to walk....I want to tell you things....yung mga kwento mo, your songs.....I want to share my stories, too....I want out of here....I'm scared.....I'm so so scared....."

Richard closed his eyes and tears started streaming down his cheeks. Dei adjusted the bed so the upper half was inclined. The tears that trickled down Richard's face did not stop. Dei cupped her hands on his face and wiped the tears with her thumbs. Then, Richard's shoulders started to move and shake, he sobbed. Dei sat on the bed again, facing him and gently pulled him toward her and rested his head on her shoulder. For the first time in months, Richard cried. He sobbed.

"Dei...."

"Shhh...."

"D....Dei...."

"Shhh......shhhh...."

".....thank you for coming back.....akala ko nawala ka na.....I thought you left me.....I knew that a day would come that you would leave me.....I'm useless....I can't walk...I can't move....I need you...I need people to help me....pero ayoko!....I don't want to depend on people.....I hate it every time someone gives me a bath or cleans my butt....I'm not a baby!.....I hate my body for becoming weak....for giving up on me!.....I thought you gave up on me also......thank you for coming back, Dei...thank you....."

".............Dei.............."