Hope In Our Eyes #GoldStarAwards2017Winner

Blame it on Me (Lily)

Blame it on me.

I never realized how it felt to lose your other half. Your other self. I didn't even realise I was losing hope. I could see the fear in my eyes, as I woke up thrashing around and yelling. I looked like a mad girl... a lost case. I wasn't the Lily, my sister Lavina said goodbye too, I was the Lily that was brought here to kill... to murder. The thought of blood and death sends shivers through me... I promised myself I won't kill anyone... but... How am I going to return?

They took my childhood away from me. They took my freedom, all I have to do is make them pay for it. ''Don't let them change me''- I repeated myself, ''Be yourself''. They can't expect me to be someone I'm not, I can't be the killer they want me to. No matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I fail... I won't carry the blood of other's on my hands. I won't let them make me sin as I commit an ungrateful act.

I'll probably never see my family again, but those are the moments I'll cherish with me for my whole life, those are the moments that will count. These light memories will make me move on, that's what keeps me fighting everyday. I fight for myself but I also fight for them just because, I know, that if I'm gone, they'll have nothing left.

''It's not over, you know? - Sam said as he appeared behind my bedroom door- ''Sydney wants us to meet her in 5''- he added as I flinched at his voice. He seemed so nice and sweet, as if our suffering was nothing to be scared of.

"I'll go in a minute''- I replied with a hoarse voice while clearing my throat. I brushed my hair while I stared at my reflection on the mirror. I could see myself, The girl had my hair, my face and my voice... but it was her eyes that made her different. So thoughtful and filled with angst and regret... it reminded me... the same day my brother was killed. I saw the same eyes.... But they weren't mine I saw that day. They were his. 

''Its not our appearance that makes us different''- Sam said while he stood by the door. – ''You look the same to me''- he added while brushing a wave of brown hair out of his eyes.

''Its because you haven't seen me properly''- I replied while staring at my reflection intensely. "You'll never understand, Sam. I'm not like you... and I'm not what Ian described to you. I'm a different person... I'm not an example to follow, if there was someone I'll look up to be, it's you."

''I have. You're strong, fearless and brave. And above all else, you're my friend''- he looked at me with doubt while he mentioned the word friend.

''I'll always be your friend, Sam. No matter what''- I answered back softly while staring at me. Now, he's afraid of me. That made me shatter... I wrapped my arms around myself holding myself tightly to steady myself. I couldn't hold the urge anymore... I hugged him tightly as I broke down and sobbed on his shoulder. I could see small tears forming in Sam's eyes. We both sobbed together, our sobs complementing each other, as we suffered for our families, our friends and for our lives.

''Grab it tightly by the handle''- I heard Britney yell at Tovar as I approached the training room. Today is the day, we'll be evaluated, and that score is going to determine if I live or die.

''Use your mouth as an anchor''- I informed a little girl that was struggling while loading an arrow. I could see the career's faces as they made fun of her lack of abilities. – ''Here''- I said while showing her the right position and loading an arrow. 

I watched her shoot, her face masked with concentration as she struggled to held the bow correctly. She let go of the arrow, while it flew through the air. Bull's eye. Well done.

"Thank you''- she said while she glanced at me with fright while glancing at my district number. A career. I'm a career, I'm supposed to be vicious, reckless and powerful. I glared at my uniform in disgust, That's not what I am. And that is not what I'll ever be.

''I'm Lily, from 4. But I won't hurt you, I promise''- I said softly while I watched how the small girl trembled with fear. – ''Please don't be afraid of me.''- I pleaded softly.

''I'm Olive''- she whispered softly, her voice weak and barely audible to myself. I had to approach my ear to her mouth in order to hear her.

''Its nice to meet you, Olive''- I offered shyly while Tovar and the girl from 2 glared at me with disgust. She extended her hand towards me as I shook it slowly.

A small smile started to appear on both our faces. Here were the odds, I may have made a friend, someone I'm supposed to kill but at the same time trust as I try to stay alive.

'Olive!''- I heard a yell. A boy was running towards her, his eyes met mine and he froze. I remember the girl from 12 I met yesterday... Hazel. She trailed behind him alongside a girl from 8. She's made a friend.

''I'll leave now. I don't want to be a bother''- I told Olive while I started walking away. I could feel her said eyes on me as I walked towards Sam. 

'You have no idea how lucky you are''- I muttered towards Hazel while I stared sadly at her friends. I think she heard me, as she glanced at me and nodded back sadly in response.

''I can't do it''- Sam repeated for the twentieth time as we were practicing spear throwing.

''You can. Just imagine, Tovar is right there and that's his head.''- I replied back. Sam looked at me with horror and then burst out laughing when he realized I was joking. Our laughter was heard across the room, here were two children that were robbed from their childhood, however they were trying to live those moments and it would happen one in a lifetime.

''Time's up''- the instructor yelled while interrupting our laughter. – ''Practice time is over. The evaluation will begin in a few minutes. ''

I played with my hair while I waited for my turn to come. I could see Tovar and Britney laughing loudly while they watched the tributes from 6 and 10. I could see Mia and Brad holding hands while showing mutual comfort and friendship. I could hear Hazel and the girl from 8 speaking quietly and looking around. But most of all, I could watch how Olive cuddled with her brother and they both spoke words of reassurance.

''You ok?''- Sam asked as he watched the brother and sister from 11. – ''You'll come back to him. Plus, Ian wouldn't want you to miss his wedding''- he added probably to cheer me up.

''Neither did you. He wouldn't want you too miss it too.''- I played along while my expression remained sad. Sam's face fell, as he squeezed my shoulders gently. 

''Lily Summers, District 4''- my name was announced on speaker while I stood up shakily.

''. Show them how it's done.''- Sam said as he smirked at me. I smiled back in response.

''You... give them hell''- I replied while I watched Sam's smile grow.

I approached the deserted training room my eyes on a target. I watched the remains of what Brad did.

''Ms Summers, you have 10 minutes''- the head game maker said as I snapped my attention back to him.

I let the tears flow, this time I released my anger. Through my blurry expression, I let my emotions overcome my actions, as I drew a man's face. I remember the stares of bewilderment, as I approached a target and hung my drawing against it. I positioned myself to through a knife and threw it with all the power I had left. It went flying straight to the target and it pierced exactly where I wanted it. Bull's eye.

I watched the game makers with an expression of defiance, as they realized what I did. 

I had stabbed a knife on President's Snow eye.