The Memoirs

June 10, 2017

*** 6:31 P.M. ***

Hey, Dee! What's up? It's been a long time. There are many things that had happened for the past seven months? Ghaa! It is really been a long time. Actually, I miss you, Dee.

But I don't have the gusto to write something about myself. It's like I'm losing every reason that I have... to live. You know? It's like I was living without a purpose for the past months.

It's sad. My family's almost breaking. My parents are always fighting for the same reason.

I hate that they argue always. In front of us. Did they even think about our feelings? What we might do and feel while watching how they're throwing painful words at each other.

But I don't have the guts to stop them. I'm such a coward.

I don't know, Dee. There are many things that are running in my mind right now. And like I have said, I'm getting lost and don't have the feel to share it. I do. I really do. But I just can't express it... fully. I really want to cry hard. Very hard. I wanted to shout it all out. I wanted to free these heavy feelings inside my chest. But I don't want to share it to someone. I might give him or her another problem. My problem.

I don't know, Dee. I am smiling to everyone. But everytime that I am alone, I always think why things are like this and that. Why God give me this life.

You know, the stupidest thing I thought, and even myself admitted that it is really the most stupid thing; I thought of dying. I thought of stop living.

But, damn! For me, dying means giving up. And I really don't want to give up. I am still hoping. Even though the hope is slowly fading inside me.

I am still hoping. And hoping that I will continue to hope until I get to have what I am yearning for.

I just want to be happy. I don't want a luxurious life. I just want my family to be happy and contented.

I wanted to give them a good life. I just want to live in a place where nature is very close to me. Where I could rely on the natural resources growing around me instead of money.

I hope. I really do hope. I'll try to do my best, Dee.

I am fighting for my life right now. Everyday in fact.

Help me. I want to give myself new purpose and inspiration. Give me energy. Inspire me to to write again and further reach my dreams.

Aja! I can do this! We can do this. ^_^

God will never leave me, I know that.