Tokyo~Shitsuji

/Kapitel Dreizehn/

His name is Kaneki Ken. 

He is a ghoul.

A disgrace.

He is no longer human. He is half. Half of everything. He lies in between the worlds of black and white. Kaneki is grey. Kaneki is cloudy. Kaneki is the fog. He is neither rain nor sun. He is neither darkness nor light. He is the fence that divides humanity and ghouls. He isn't a human. He isn't even a full ghoul. He is something of a combination. A monster. A true monster.

Humans reject him. Ghouls reject him. He rejected himself. 

Kamishiro Rize.

The girl he had a crush on that ended up destroying his own self. Who was he? Who would he become? Where would he go? Why was he here? Was he a monster? Or a savior? He tried to be neither, and look where that brought him...

To this room. This room with a checkered floor. This room with the true monster. Himself.

Silence. Silence. Silence. Nothing to occupy him but his own thoughts. Nothing to keep him from going mad but his own mind. Nothing to save him from his own demons; his inner Jason. There was no one to save him. This wasn't a manga. This wasn't an anime. This wasn't a play written for its happy ending. This wasn't a story in which he would find out how to become strong; to beat his foes. This is a tragedy. This is a sad tale. This is a nightmare. This is the end. This was never the beginning to a beautiful shounen. This was always the end to a beautiful, innocent, boy. 

This was a story in which he would die. A story in which the person he knew to be himself, would no longer exist.

He is Kaneki. But, he is also not Kaneki. 

He sat in that chair, with his head faced down. He is forced to be here. He was forced to make a choice. Who knows if it was the right one? Who knows if it was the wrong one? The choice was his to make. The choice is only his. It was never anybody else's. Now, he must live with the choice he has made.  

He can see that is hair is no longer black but he does not know why this happened. He doesn't remember being in the realm of Black Butler. He doesn't remember being saved by Cheshire Cat, or even meeting Alyss. He doesn't remember all of those things.

But his body does. His body is the same. His hair is the same. His blood is telling him that he needs to leave, for, it knows what happened the last time he was in this room. What it doesn't remember, is that his mind has never left. His mind doesn't remember being free. His mind only remembers wanting to runaway. 

This Kaneki, whose body remembers watching Touka die. This Kaneki, whose body remembers killing thousands of ghouls. But this mind hasn't gotten there yet, and it never will. 

I want to escape. I want to leave. I want to die. I don't care, just get me out of here. He thinks. He thinks this thought so often. Each time it comes up, he pushes it away. His subconscious remembers that he tried that once before. He goes in circles with himself. He doesn't remember why he can't think those phrases. So, he keeps thinking them, and, they keep being forced away.

If you want to runaway. Runaway here. This is your story. You are the protagonist of your own life. Who cares if your choices are wrong? Who will be there to judge you in the end? But the person who knows you the best? Yourself.

Kaneki's laughter fills the abandoned room. There are two bodies, two dead bodies, two dead innocent people, because he couldn't choose before. Well. He is choosing now, isn't he? Isn't that enough? Kaneki struggles against the chains that bind him. He isn't strong. He is weak. But the weak are strong in another sense. The weak know when they are beaten. The weak know when they must run. 

Kaneki is running.

For Kaneki is weak.

But, before he runs, why shouldn't he get his revenge? Against the enemy that made him realize his true nature.

He had been held captive here for far too long. He couldn't escape. He couldn't die. So, the only choice left is to live. He will live. He will kill Jason. He will leave his previous life and make a new one, somewhere, sometime, he will become something else. A happier version of himself.

Maybe, eventually, he might even like himself.

Maybe, eventually, he might even be on the side against ghouls. Imagine that! Being a ghoul fighting ghouls! What would his name be then? It couldn't be Kaneki. No. It must be something else. It must be...

Haise. 

Sasaki Haise.

But that is yet to come. 

First he must get out of here.

Kaneki struggles against the chains. They are too strong. If that is the case, why doesn't he just break his wrist? Dislocate it? The chains can't break but that doesn't mean he can't. So, he does. He does the same for his feet too. Imagine the look on Jason's face when he walked in, to see, Kaneki standing there, completely free.

The two fought. They had to. That was the only way. That was the only thing they could've done. There was no compromise. There was no discussion. They fought. Kaneki won. He stabbed the fallen Jason with his kagune, and got his glorious payback. 

He realized he was hungry. When was the last time he had eaten? Anything? Anything at all? He was so hungry. 

He might as well eat a ghoul.

"What's one-thousand minus seven?" he asked. How strange, it felt, to be on the opposite side. When there was no response, he continued asking; he continued hurting. He wanted to hear him say it. He wanted to hear him start counting down, like Kaneki had done.

"N-nine h-hundred and ninety-three..."

"N-nine h-hundred and eighty-six..."

Between the screams of agony it might be possible to hear Jason's voice. His stuttering self as he counted down. He had gone through this madness. He had forced this madness onto someone else. And, Kaneki would stop this madness. He would be the last one. He would end Jason. And then, his own tale would unfold. 

"My name is Kaneki Ken," he said, cracking his knuckles. "I am a ghoul," he said, kicking open the door and walking out. He would live, an empty shell of a life, for as long as he must until the day that he could die. Until the day that he could become someone he doesn't hate, and then, live the blissful lie all over again. But this time not in another world. This time in his own.