My Cowboy and Our Kids

Broken

When I woke up from surgery, Ryder was gone.

"Hey, where's my fiancé?" I asked the nurse, still loopy.

"He took off right after you went into surgery. I'm sure he'll be back soon." She said with a smile.

When I was ready to leave the hospital, Ryder still hadn't come back. I texted him a thousand times. I began to grow worried. I had my dad come pick me up and take me home. When I finally got home, it was around 11:30 and there was still no sign of Ryder. It had been three hours. Where the hell could he have gone? I called and left a voicemail, then headed to bed. I couldn't sleep not knowing where he was, but I knew that he'd be back by morning. I was sure of it.

Then next morning at 4:29, I awoke to my little girl's cries. I immediately reached for Ryder, but he still wasn't there. Maybe he slept in his own bed at his parent's house.

I called him as I changed Viviana's diaper. It rang for a moment but then was cut off. He was ignoring me. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I knocked on my parent's door.

"Mom, Dad, something's wrong and I can't find Ryder. I'm going to look for him. Watch the kids." I stated, tossing the baby monitor to my dad.

"Come on munchkin it's four in the morning. Get some sleep and I'm sure he will be back." My dad replied.

I ignored him and dashed down the creaky old steps and out the front door. I knew something was wrong. I could just feel it. I called about a dozen times as I drove all around Pecan Hill looking for him. Just as I was about to give up, I thought of one more place. I drove myself back home and headed to the forest.

I would've taken a horse, but that's way too dangerous with my cast. I ended up walking back to the treehouse and low and behold I found him just sitting on a little wooden bench.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He jumped, unaware I was there. "I'm sorry, Doll." He muttered under his breath, nearly in tears.

"Ryder, what's wrong?" I asked rubbing his back and laying on his shoulder.

"I can't go back." He stated as his voice quivered.

"What do you mean you can't go back?" I asked softly.

He stood up and walked away from me just a bit. When he was farther away, just beyond the light of the little deer lamp, he decided to finish the conversation.

"I'm not leaving Texas again." Ryder replied.

My heart dropped and my stomach instantly ached. I felt faint, but I never showed any signs that I was nervous or upset.

"Come on babe, don't be ridiculous. You're just scared that's all. I know we have a lot going —"

"Jada, I've been thinking about this for a while. Now that I'm back here in Texas, I'm not leaving my family again." He answered softly, but with a firm tone.

"But..." I paused to choke back the tears, "what about this family? Our family?"

I couldn't help but cry. When he noticed the tears in my eyes, he practically sprinted across the room instinctively to comfort me. He wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me into his warm body. I buried my face into his chest and he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you Princess, but this isn't working anymore." He responded.

My body went numb. I completely collapsed in his arms. I would've fallen to the floor if it weren't for his tight grip. At this point I couldn't stop crying if I wanted to, but at the same time tears weren't even being formed anymore. My whole world came crashing down in a single instant. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, and I definitely couldn't leave. I wasn't physically able to pick myself up and climb down from the treehouse to walk back.

Once I gathered the strength, still wrapped in his arms, I asked, "What changed?"

He stared down at me blankly.

"What changed?" I repeated, but added, "Just a couple days ago you told me you loved me. You said you thank God that you have me. You said that you'd be here even if we never had the kids."

"I do love you, I wouldn't lie about that, Doll. I do thank God for you and I would be with you even if we didn't have kids, but this isn't about us anymore. I still want to be involved in your life and in the kids lives. We just can't be together anymore. I need to be here." He responded and released his grip on me.

When he let me go, I felt the world shatter around me. It was his way of telling me I should get going. But I couldn't move.

"I love you." I declared, my voice shaking heavily.

He lifted my chin so I would look at him. "I hate seeing you cry. I love you too, but this is something I have to do."

He kissed me one last time.

"You don't have to walk back tonight you can sleep on the bed. I'll sleep down here on the couch." Ryder stated knowing if I left that I'd collapse somewhere in the field or woods and wouldn't get up again.

I headed upstairs to the treehouse's bed. A million thoughts raced through my mind. My body literally wouldn't even let me cry. I was frozen in shock. I laid down and, despite being extremely upset, I fell asleep instantly. The next time I woke up, it was just getting light outside and Ryder was holding me. He looked like he was about to cry.

"What? I thought—" I began.

"You were having a nightmare. You kept screaming, 'No! Don't do this!'" Ryder explained and then once again released me.

I grabbed my phone and went to leave the treehouse. I needed to be away from him before I begged him to stay with me. Why is he doing this? I thought to myself.

Just the other day he convinced me to go on vacation with him.

I slowly, painfully walked back into my house. My dad was making coffee and asking questions but I couldn't find the words to speak so I just ignored him and kept walking.

I headed up the steps and I picked up my babies to cuddle them. They had no idea that daddy just left us. A tear slid down my face after I put them into their play pen. Then I heard a knock at my door.