Broken

Pleading

I tried to reach out.
I wanted to get help.
But no one that I told could understand that I was living in hell.
I recovered once before,
So I thought I already knew what was in store.
But this time it's different.
This time it's much worse.
This time I don't think I can save myself from how much it's gonna hurt.
People think that it's a choice.
Like I can just stop and be free.
It's not that easy.
It's a fucking mental disease!
Stop telling me I look horrible.
Stop judging me.
You don't understand a god damn thing!
I know I need help.
But I don't know how to do it by myself!
If you really cared about me,
If you're really that concerned,
You would have tried to understand.
You would have tried to learn!
I can't battle the demon in my mind,
That constantly tells me I'm not going to be fine.
I know I'm going to kill myself if I can't end this soon.
But I don't know who to reach out to.
I don't know how to overcome this.
I didn't wanna become this.
But I know I can't get rid of it.
I never decided to do this to myself.
It took over my body and trapped me in this hell.
I'm sick and I know it.
I've known it all along.
But I tried to pretend that I was being strong.
Secretly I think I knew that I was always wrong.
I lie to everyone.
Including myself.
He asks me if I ate today.
I know he can tell.
They say I'm getting too skinny,
I act like it doesn't bother me
But inside it kills me.
I've been fighting this sickness for years.
There's not a day that goes by that it doesn't put me in tears.
I tried so many times to open my mouth.
To tell someone that i desperately need help.
But every time I always back out.
I can't take the guilt.
No one has ever listened before.
So I was too scared to reopen that door.
But now I'm terrified of who I have become.
I drown out the voices with drugs so I can feel numb.
I don't know how this happened to me.
I've spent too many years trying not to see.
But the truth is,
It's not something I can continue to ignore.
It's not going to get better like it did before.
This time it's here to stay.
By myself, I'll never make it go away.
I'm crying for help.
This time I'm serious.
I don't wanna die this way.
I want to get through this.
I can't keep living each day crying in secret.
It's hurts so bad.
I can no longer keep it.
I've destroyed myself trying to become someone I thought I needed to be.
But I've come to realize, the girl that I am now, Isn't me.
But she wants to break free.
I don't wanna be this weak.
So this is me crying for help,
This is me begging you, desperately.
Please.
Help me fight this disease.