Coffee Shop.

e i g h t

I sat at my spot ordering the usual, I decided to read a book that Grayson bought me.
And once again I didn't notice someone sitting in front of me as I read, losing myself.
"Will you marry me?"
I looked up, and he was real, he was really there, sitting in front of me.
"Yes" I whisper, I hug him, tighter then I have ever hugged before.
I kiss his cold lips, I missed his lips.
"I missed you." I can barely speak, tears rolling down my cheeks.
"Ive been with you this whole time, you just couldn't see me."
"I love you." I can finally hear him say it back.
The words rolled perfectly off his tongue.
"I love you."
I close my eyes cherishing this moment.
I finally let out a little whisper.
"I wish you didn't die."
"I know." he whispered back.
And with that, I open my eyes, to be seated alone.
I get up, walking to the table where he sat, where the sun shines.
I run my fingertips over his table,

Now his gone I sit in his spot, it doesnt feel right if I sat where I used to. I still get asks for photos, still being seen as the person who had real love, Even though he is not here to smile at the end of the camera, I still take a picture.
I have gone back to reading daily, so I can forget everything around me once again, to forget the pain of him, the pain of missing him and having so much love to give to him, but simply can't.
Ive gone from, not wanting to read so I wouldn't have to forget him for a second. To having to, try forget him for just a second.
Remember when I was talking about waking up? and for a split second everything was wrong? Well everyday I wake up, and for that split second everything is right.. then my heart calms.. and everything isn't. It is like my life has reversed. I wake up and for a split second Grayson is there with me, laying next to me breathing. When it ends, it is like he died all over again.
Every single morning.

The first word I said to him was "Stalker" but he was my stalker, my godamned beautiful stalker.
And I miss him.
"Some parts of me tell me that, if I could rewind time and do everything over again. I wouldn't put my book down.
But ill get to that later. "
Well.. it is later. What I mean is, I am not sure what to think.
Do I live with this pain, knowing I loved him and he loved me.
Or if I went back, not putting down my book, could I be okay with never loving him, and him going on to be happy with someone else, going on alive..
Maybe I shouldn't have put my book down, but I chose too.
A part of me is greatful I put it down, I got to love, the most loveable human being in the planet, me, I did.

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