Everything I Should Have Said

Sorry

atelophobia

[n.] the fear of imperfection; the fear of never being good enough
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It was late and the rain made me think of him and the guilt started to crush my lungs over and over like it always did. I just wanted to be numb. I wanted to be brave like him and slice through my own skin, so I knew I could match up to him.

The silence killed me, at that time of night if I couldn't sleep or he couldn't, which was often. He would call me and I would rant to him while I heard his soft breaths even out, which eventually got me to sleep too. Breaths that are no longer breathed by him.

He sometimes gave hints when we spoke on the phone but I was a coward and he just wanted everything to stop. I just didn't know what because to me everything was almost perfect in his life. He was undeniably handsome, and his personality was absolute gold where as mine was rust. I didn't help my best friend when he would've in a heartbeat.

"Sometimes I'm in this really great mood, you know? Then suddenly I'm crashing and then everything's just so forced and fake. Sometimes I just want everything to be great all the time. I mean look at us, we're at the top of the social ladder, we have this great friendship and everything but are you truly happy? Because I know I'm not." I wasn't either, I thought I was but I wasn't, we all had these different goals and opportunities that were so different from each other's.

"Well I do know I'm happiest when I'm with my friends and when I'm with you, so I'm almost always happy." His breathing was still, and it assured me that he was there, alive, breathing. So I relaxed as I thought he was going to be fine, as long as we avoid that topic of discussion.

He was alive, and now he's not and that's all my fault. Our fault.

"Shane?" I remember my voice shaking, I didn't want to confront him but I had too, and he needed me too but the words were refusing to pass my lips.

"Yes, Clover?" He hummed a tune that I didn't recognize and I wish I would of asked him what it was because it was beautiful. I think he sensed what I was going to ask him but I chose not too, which I regret.

"Goodnight Shane." Was what spilled past my lips before I could truly tell him what I wanted too.

Shane, are you ok? Like truly ok because if you need anything I'm here, and I love you, we all do and I know this is the wrong time but I'm feeling brace right now. We both know I'm not going to homecoming, but I'm hoping you'll come with me so will you?

Maybe he would've stayed if he had something to stay for and maybe that could've been the homecoming dance, so Shane Moore I didn't ask you then but I'm asking now. Will you have said yes if I asked? Oh I know you would because I'm your best friend and that's what you would do for me. You would of put all the pain you had inside just so I didn't go alone and maybe that dance would've saved you. You wouldn't have killed yourself until the dance was over, until I had a chance to change your mind.

"Goodnight, Clover." And the line went dead, and I still couldn't sleep because I heard the hurt in his voice, the way he faked the emotion of sincerity because truthfully he didn't care anymore and I don't blame him.

So Matt, if you helped him that night and if I were truthful with him, he would still be here today and they are many other situations why he isn't, but I think our failure as friends will always be the most disappointing.

To him and to all of us. Clovers are supposed to bring you luck at least the three leafed ones, but still all clovers are pretty aesthetic and I think aesthetic is beautiful but he thought it was boring, and I believed that he believed that I was boring too.

I was scared, scared and just as lonely as he was in that last moment of time when he took his own life. I believe he is somewhere trying to reassure us that it wasn't our faults, that he decided to do what he did and that's on him but I know he knows he would be lying when he says we weren't at least a part of the pain that caused him to slowly destroy himself till he was completely destroyed.

So to all the people who remember that boy or girl in one of your classes or school, that one day just didn't show up, that the school was suddenly drawing attention to who they thought might be suicidal. That you could've said one word that could've made them stay an extra day, and maybe change their minds completely but you could also be the reason why they ticked of that day on there calendar backwards because you said one word. One word changes everything, believe me I know.

I'm defending my actions and I'm contradicting them and going of in a tangent, and I will continue to do so, because that's what this is. It's me defending my actions to why I couldn't, and why should've and why I changed the topic. So this shows my absolute indecisive nature but I don't care anymore because indecisive is my normal.

I don't know what this is but I know it's more than you and more than me. Much bigger, we're a star next to the sun and we might be burning up too, but we're no longer seen with all the street lights and laughter.
We're the dark reminisce of shadows and what was once beautiful. That's me and that's you, Shane Moore. You're the sun and I'm a star, we never shine together but never truly apart.