Everything I Should Have Said

You

nepenthe

[n.] something that can make you forget grief or suffering

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Miles learned quickly that we weren't a force to be messed with but he, instead of running, stayed. He stayed because he fell in love with one of us. He stayed because of me.

I didn't want to ruin him, so I didn't touch him. He was persistent and that didn't annoy me, it motivated me. Miles and I grew closer, closer than I was with Shane but never quite fulfilling his void. Shane stopped our nightly calls; Miles came over. Shane began being distant, and that's when I should have realized I should keep track of him. So I started calling him nightly and everything was fine, I wasn't worried anymore. So I stopped. He decided he wanted everything to stop too.

I felt no attraction to Shane and so I paid more attention to someone who I did feel attraction to at the time. Miles wasn't damaged and that drew me to him even more but he didn't know I just wanted to touch him so I could destroy him too. I was just a curious girl who wanted an unflawed boy. My mission was accomplished, he was no longer the Miles I was attracted to, he was the one I didn't want to know. He became Shane Moore.

And I didn't want to love Shane Moore anymore, so I was scared. Scared, Miles wouldn't understand the depth of love I had for him, that he would hurt me without knowing he was. Even though my love for Miles was strong, I was connected to Shane in other ways than just sexual, but it was to late. I hurt both of them in the process of finding myself.

"Do you love him?" His voice was stern but it seemed like he already knew the answer. He did because when I said my next few words, he didn't look a tiny bit surprised. I just wanted him to beg me back to what we had. To our nightly conversations and our friendship he denied. What we had wasn't ideal but it was all I've ever wanted and I think he wanted it too.

"I suppose I do. He makes me feel like he can't live without me. He's just - perfect." It wasn't true, he was a cheater, I made it seem like I didn't want him anymore because it hurt to admit that he didn't.

He wanted everything, he wanted a girl who would fuel his ego; he wanted many girls. He was untamable and I wasn't a ringmaster. I wasn't his ringmaster. Charlotte was, and is- she's always been, that minute much better than I. Always will be.

"I hope he does Clover, I really hope he does. He's perfect too, isn't he? Perfect people deserve perfect people, don't they?" His voice was as bitter as ice but the fake smile he perfected never left his face. It was almost eerie the way he sighed as he stood and the ghost touch of his lips on my forehead and the light brush of his hand on my hair. It was all too eerie. It was all too easily excused.

"I love you Clover." He said as he walked out of the school, for what I didn't realize would be the last time he did. The last time I would see him with his heart still beating and his warmth comforting me without me feeling regretful. Regretful; of the words that were trapped in my throat, that I didn't notice the way his feet dragged along, waiting for me to call out for him, to love him.

I love you so much, for the longest time but you don't mean it like that. You mean it in a friendly way. In a way a friend should love a friend, right? Platonically, but when I say I love you, I do in the most beautifully romantic way possible. I really wanted us to be Charming and Cinderella, or maybe Romeo and Juliet because their love was so beautiful that the world wasn't ready to be exposed to it and death was the most unconventional yet only reasonable option. So Romeo, let me be your Juliet.

I watched as he walked out the door without looking back and nothing else was said. I said nothing. I was distracted by his words and his lingering lips on my forehead, I was distracted by the boy across the room who was speaking to my best friend in hushed whispers. Her eyes met mine but he didn't bother to stop and explain why they looked more like a couple than we did. I didn't care, the heartache never came. I was relieved that his manipulative hold on me would catch her.

She met where his gaze followed and her scowl was as evident as the sun. She suddenly stormed away, a glare was sent to me by my boyfriend and the absolute burn of it still makes me uncomfortable. He followed her because he wanted her, not me and it scares me to say I really didn't care. I really didn't.

I like to think I didn't ruin Miles but maybe he did. He ruined himself, the day he decided he wanted to join forces. Forces to strong to deny but too evil to comply. I needed someone and he was there; he liked playing games and I enjoyed being played. At the time, that small almost blissful chapter in my life, I was perfect for him and he was perfect for me because the timing happened to be perfect too.

So maybe if I met him a day later than I did, I wouldn't feel like my indecisive nature impacted on Shane's death. That maybe me and Shane would be Clover and Shane. Us. We. Our. Maybe if Miles Stephenson decided I wasn't worth his time, that He wasn't attracted to a loner, than Shane would still be in my time. In my darker present, not my dark past.