Everything I Should Have Said

You

floccinaucinihilipilification

[n.] the act of deciding that something is useless
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Matt had visited me the day after the incident, which was not something unusual, jut his demeanor. He was agitated, more than he has ever been, almost as if he was keeping a secret. He sat across me on the lounger, his eyes darted around the room and the silence on the brink of devastatingly unbearable.

I had my suspicions, I had thought he had wanted to get me a counselor, or some mental help advisor like everyone else seemed to think I needed. What everyone else thinks a person, a human being, who's misfortunate reasons has lead them to something, that is so futile to someone else but is a norm to others.

Anorexia: An eating disorder causing people to obsess about weight and what they eat.

I believe it is not, I believe it should be scrapped, the entire idea of anorexia should be aborted.

Anorexia: The verbal contributions of people around you and comments you've heard and seen that lead you to believe skinny is beautiful. Skinny, skinnier, skinniest. Nothing. You know your teeth are chipping, and your hair is falling and it pains to sleep because now your hip, shoulder and rib bones dig into the mattress. As much as it pains you feel like you just unlocked the next level. The next level of beauty, till you don't remember what anything taste like.

He probably understood my definition more than others and I was thankful for that. He played with his thumbs, while he pondered on how to phrase his words and I sitting there wondering how to react to them.

"Char, didn't mean it, you know?" I nodded my head a bitter laugh escaping my lips. Who meant anything anymore? Even down to the words I love you. So I smiled at him and raised my eyebrows, instead of saying what needed to be said.

Oh she didn't mean it did she but she should have. It's true isn't it, so why do we keep burying the truth, why do you hide your sorrows? Stop trying to make everyone perceive the beatific act we put on. It's going to kill us, we're going to kill each other. I don't know if you realize but we're, all of us, aren't friends and it's to late to try and become friends because now we know everything everyone doesn't. So now think of us as allies, we work together but we can't be friends. 

"I know." He knew it was true that he too, could've helped me but why would he, I didn't help Shane. I didn't help Charlotte, what made me so special. Well the fact that he came over made me feel like there was more, that he too left unsaid.

"Is that all?" My voice came out stiff and bitter. I looked at his reaction and I noticed it, the redness of his eyes and tears threatening to fall.

"Matt? Matt what's wrong?" He shook his head and ran to the bathroom, I ran after him as I watched him throw up. My body instinctively moved towards him and his body felt cold under my comforting touch.

He rested his head on my shoulder and sobbed, his breaths heard and scared. I knew something was wrong and that's why he came to me, not for me but to burden me with his problems. I didn't mind though, I didn't mind him.

"Lea... she's-" his voice cracked and he choked up, the next few words were not believable and will never be because they weren't true, I hoped they weren't.

"Shane raped her." My eyes clouded over as he spat the word rape. I stood and shook his hands of me, I glared at him as I through him a look of shame. He was lying, he had to be. Shane would not even hurt a fly, yet alone rape someone.

"Where is she?" He sighed and cleaned up whatever he could before he rushed me too her house. Lea could not have been telling the truth, rape was not something to be taken lightly.

She was sitting on her bed, her expression stoic and a letter in hand. She didn't notice my presence as I watched her sob silently while reading the letter. I cleared my throats and she stuffed the piece of paper into her drawer.

"You lying bitch!" I screamed at her and she sobbed more, this time I couldn't contain my anger towards her. The words were spitting out of my mouth so easily I didn't think it was me.

She curled into a ball as I made my way toward her, I pulled open her draw before she could protest and found the letter, the letters.

I stuffed them into my backpack and gave her one last look before I left, leaving a scared looking Matt and a livid Charlotte behind.

I walked down the street towards my home, the letters in hand and my hope crushing with every step I took. One step closer to reading what truly made her so upset in her letters. Shane was probably in jail, or better yet Lea had him under control. I mean who wouldn't believe a girl crying rape.

My home was quiet, no traces of my mother thankfully, I went up to my room and locked it. I sprawled the letters on the bed, they were three. Three letters that could possibly ruin Lea but I didn't care, she was not my priority, Shane was.

The letters could've ruined her, it was physical evidence of her mother. Her mother kissing someone, someone with burnt blonde hair and a tall lean body.

Someone who looked oddly like someone I knew, someone who made me utterly repulsed. Someone who was definitely under the age of eighteen. It made sense, she was being threatened by her own mother to put someone in jail for her own protection.

She wanted to put Shane in jail, so he couldn't defend his actions with Mrs. Sanders. A married woman having an affair with her daughters best friend was bad but to her getting caught was worse.

So Mrs. Sanders, did you think Shane would tell? Did he threaten to tell? I never asked, I never said anything. So I want to know did your problems really end there was it Shane's fault that your marriage was falling apart, or was that on you. Maybe you did something I don't know about yet, but I will know. I will find out so help me god when I found out the truth I will not hesitate with getting the law involved. Not like you did either.

Instead of saying any of that or even confronting her, I photographed the letters and hid the letters. I made my way to Shane's house for his confrontation. His confrontation was the most unique. The best fictional truth I've heard.