Everything I Should Have Said

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eccedentesiast

[n.] someone who fakes a smile,
when all they want to do is cry, disappear and/or die
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He winced as Matt punched his arm. It was still healing and his excuse was a metal clothing hanger that deeply cut his bicep. Excuses were always pathetic to me, even the truthful ones which were truly almost never true. I glared at Matt who just rolled his eyes at me.

"I fee like you two, are keeping a secret." Matt extended his hands on the table and folded them up in a serious manner. Matt was not stupid you see, he knew about the cutting, which just made everything worse.

"Why do you think that Matt?" I took a sip of my drink so I look more natural but his eyes were still calculating. He pointed at me and Shane to speak to him privately.

Once we were out of earshot, he told us something that would leave Shane so heartbroken and me holding remorse for Matt.

"What is it?" I asked impatiently as Matt leaned on the staircase railing. I dreaded the words that would slip past his lips but I know he had the courage to say what he needs to say and I being me, allowed him to say it. Without saying what I really do need to say back.

"I know the truth, I know he cuts himself." He pointed to Shane and I felt like absolutely nothing. Nothing because I couldn't even protect a secret, I wanted to keep more than him, from our friends.

"The hell Matt! Shut up!" I shoved him as a baffled looking boy walked pass. All the while Shane was leaning on the wall looking guilty.

Shane, it's not your fault, nothing ever is but I, we drag you into them every single time. You're our shield though you take all the hits for us, even though we drag you into it you fight for us willingly and we take all of that for granted. I know it's getting to you, all the problems and dramatics that we have caused. Don't worry though I'm getting to that. To explain why. To defend myself and my friends. To throw you under the bus because you're already dead but don't worry I will contradict it. Then I will be the one getting crushed.

I wanted to say at least the top half to him right then but my mind was on other things. The reason why Matt was in the hospital.

"How do you know? Why were you at the hospital?" His face turned sympathetic and he uncrossed his hands, ran them down his face.

"Charlotte overdosed, again." I felt my blood boil as they didn't tell us. Charlotte has a history with drug abuse and it shocks me to see Matt so calm about it. Albeit, we were used to it, the 02:00 a.m calls to pick her up from the police station because god knows where her parents are, probably in the same situation as she.

Matt shook his head and made his way back to the table, Shane looked disappointed and Charlotte looked worried. We all thought it was a bad habit that he would live through, like Charlotte and her bad habit. So we chose to ignore it, yet again. I had so much to be grateful of, especially to him but I wanted to be happy, perfect and so did they, ignoring it was the only way. To be perfect.

I watched Charlotte as I begun noticing the dark circles under her eyes contrasting greatly with her bloodshot eyes. Two physical features of a drug abuser. A person who needs help but still we acted like nothing was wrong.

Her eyes met mine and she got up with her tray before throwing it back onto the table, she braced herself and leaned forward on the table, her eyes meeting mine. She cocked her head to the side, and laughed, her eyes filled with venom.

"You sit here and act like you're all perfect, judge me, observe me like I'm an animal. Darling stop, you think we don't notice? We don't notice your bones, how you will push the food around your plate, till lunch is over.  You think we don't know. You walk around thinking your the epitome of perfection, of grace, your not.  You anorexic bitch." Her chest heaved and her hand gripped my shoulder painfully. Everyone in the cafeteria stared but the couldn't here because thankfully her voice was lowered so only our table could hear.

Her words made me feel ashamed yet deep down proud. Extremely proud, Lea looked at me with raised eyebrows and Matt with sympathy. Yet I know their secrets too and ignorance is our rule, our normal. She left, with her bag slung over her shoulders and her head held high.

Perfection was not something I needed or craved, I just wanted to be like you, Charlotte, brave and headstrong. You didn't give a flyings fuck of what people thought and I just wanted to be excepted into the society. A stoner was cool, a suicidal boy was treated with kindness and the schools anorexic was treated like a monster, people were scared. Maybe that's why you didn't scream it because you knew I wanted to be embraced, not feared. So people wouldn't know what we did, what we kept it our little circle. Charlotte, I know you and darling it was you who wanted to keep up our little perfectionist scheme.

Not me, I never wanted to be a part of any of it, of the drama, the deceit, the faked facades, I just wanted friends who would love me and listen to me and support me. Instead I was met with my favorite word of all, the worst characteristic in a person, worse than our undesired personalities that others seemed to crave. Malice. The most beautiful word next to your favorite obviously. Weed.

So here we are, malice weed. We get you high of our status and shame. We destroy you like the graveyards we call our brains and we love you like we love each other. We don't care what you do with yourself as long as we're not held responsible, go find some LSD for that.