Danger's Back by JileyOverboard

Eighteen - "I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Eighteen.
"I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Kelsey's Point of View:

After I had gotten off the phone with Pattie, filling her in on what's been going on, she told me she'd be here in just a few short minutes. Finding enough time to talk to Justin until she arrives, I sat down in the chair next to his bed. "You scared me," I whispered, "Thinking that you could've-" I shook my head, "Don't you ever do something like that again." I warned though it came out more as a whimpered request, "You don't know what it felt like watching them hover over you with those... things trying to resuscitate you back to life." Looking away from him, I found interest at the beeping line that scanned across the many screens of the machines near Justin's bedside, indicating his heartbeat.

"They were going to give up on you..." I whispered, "They thought that was it. That you had let go but they don't know you like I do," I muttered in anguish. "They don't know how strong you are." I sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear as I crossed my arms under my breasts, sitting on the edge of Justin's bed as I stared over at him. "Do you understand what it's like to be left? How angry it makes you? How sad and empty?" I pursed my lips to the side in deep thought. Pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth, I stared up at the ceiling in dismay. "How long it takes to ever care about anyone or anything ever again?" I whispered shakily.

"God it eats you up inside." I vigorously spat in augmentation to everything that's been going on. "It claws at your insides until you feel like you're about to burst. It's a feeling so intense that the thought of losing the one you love is a feeling that could end you right then and there."

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," I bowed my head in dismay, "I don't want to continue my life without you. I don't want to think about any other chances of you possibly going into an attack again. I know I promised you I could handle things that come with the lifestyle that you chose and I'm not going back on my word. I just don't know if I can handle the thought of losing you because then I don't know what I'd do with myself."

"You have become such a part of my life that without you being a part of it... it doesn't feel right. It feels like a part of me is missing." Reaching over, I ran the tip of my finger against the stubble on his chin, "I love you so much it hurts and I just want us to be okay again. I want the normal we had. I want all of this bad stuff to go away. I want my boyfriend back." Bringing my hand back, I forced back a strained sob.

"I know this is probably a lot to ask since you almost died about a few minutes ago but now would be the time to wake up..." Licking my lips, I smacked them together once silence suffocated me once more. "I gotta tell you, I'm getting tired of all this because I don't do well with all these lights and machines and stuff. I probably to be honest would have made a really bad nurse which," I scoffed in realization, "is pretty ironic considering my mom's one." I forced a small laugh, trying to fill the emptiness with a bit of light.

"I know you're probably getting tired of me right now... but I can't live like this any longer. I need you to wake up Justin because you see; I can't stand the fact of knowing that you can just leave me at any second..." Looking down at my hands, I let my hair fall as it curtained around my face, "When your heart stopped," I paused at the painful memory, "my heart stopped. It felt like everything around me came to a halt and the thought of losing you..." I shook my head, not wanting to continue, "And that stupid doctor." I growled in annoyance, "Trying to say that you were-you were dead," I shook my head, "he doesn't know you like I do. You're a survivor, you always have been since the day I met you."