Getting to open up

Asking The Questions

"You don't let people know you. " This is what I was told by a dear friend. That sentence shook me and made me see myself better. We always think we know ourselves better than anyone. We are so engraved in the daily routine that we forget who we really are. We no longer recognize ourselves.

For about a whole year this was my routine: hated waking up, checking my mail, stuck in traffic, sitting like a numb puppet in the lectures and then coming back home depressed, irritated and lost. As much as I might be criticising this routine, however, the latter was what made me survived every single day. Yet, I did somehow lose my interest, my ambitions and my willpower in this process. These three aspects are what define me to a very large extent. I can't seem to get them back no-how. And I realised I can't just get them back because right now I'm a different person with new interests, new ambitions that will help construct a new will-power. But the questions keep disturbing me creating a 'noise': how did I get so weak that I lost myself? How did I become someone else? Maybe I might never obtain the right answer. What is more important is to get up and start doing something about it. I have to put my objectives clear in my head only then I will know how to proceed. I have to give myself time, to be present for myself and not to be hard on my precious self. Yes I am precious! I know that, I am special and I need to not only start saying it but believing in it. Sure it is that I messed up, pushed people away and forgot who I was. These are the things I have done. This is the first and most difficult step: taking responsibility for my actions and it's okay.

Back to the quote about me not letting people know me. I used to think that I'm a rather outgoing person. There are actually several reasons for why I was in that illusion. Usually, I don't hesitate to talk about stuffs such as sex, masturbation, porn, religion and other things that are considered as taboo. In the entire way, I missed to talk about my family, for instance, but most crucially, my feelings were left out. Little things such as: this place is so joyful; that building reminds me of my childhood, I love how the sky is so blue; I have to tell you the stupidest thing mom did. These are the things that I tell to myself. I usually imagine a friend to whom I can talk about such stuffs leading to me actually becoming closer to them though they weren't even real during those moments. I actually ended up becoming a mystery box to everyone.
However, I should be myself, right? Not being 'open' is maybe just a feature that I possess. So, I am left with this dilemma or puzzle: is being myself harmful to me? Or am I being wrong about all of it??